OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – OCTOBER 2016
In this month’s drivel, we introduce Betty. Betty is now the spokesperson for this column for many reasons; it’s to save one’s arse around these parts, being able to blame someone else for just about anything really; ‘He/she said it/did it, not me’. Betty exists, she is real and Betty has inadvertently become society’s barometer, an advocate of reason, a discerning light in the blind darkness which has descended upon the last few generations due to political manipulation. Another reason for Betty is that a ‘Pronoun’ is needed to garner simplicity and speed of composition; a first person in other words. It is a journalistic cakewalk, yet criminally discreditable and indeed inane to write in the first person as an article or report. It just depicts that ever spreading fatal infection of the ego overload ‘Pronoun Virus’. ‘I did’ – ‘I think’ – ‘I am’ – ‘I was’, as in the story line, as witnessed in the many (always left wing) columns in our daily rags. Besides, who gives a toss what ‘I’ thinks or ‘I’ does, such as endless talking heads on makeshift TV programmes?
So getting back to content; the Olympics over, and the American Presidential elections upon us. No! We’ve been down that road already and the candidate choices have so much baggage, it belies reality or further comment. Although, the most satirically funny and acceptable Social Media hate post to date was actually blogged by our own anti-Trump Gaffer (he who ‘proprietor-ates’ this ‘ere mag). ‘The only reason Donald Trump watches the Olympics is because he is assessing how high the Mexicans can jump’. Then there’s Hilary who is completely bereft of credibility for sooooooo many reasons. If you asked a thousand women in Washington if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, most would say; ‘Not again’! But never a squeak about it anymore from the media or her ladyship for that matter. The world is watching and those who have no right, no business, yet claim to be affected by American politics are spouting such irreverence against the nation itself assuming all this hate will destroy Trump, when he actually stands against the very PC issue which created this levelling and dumbing of society. The only nation we have heard zip all from is perhaps reserved Japan, but then the word ‘election’ comes as ‘erection’ in their accent and no doubt means the same thing; that some dick will rise to power.
It is all so bizarre and to the few, so blatantly obvious that indoctrination of the masses has been prevalent for decades by the sheer idiocy that so many need an idol, something to worship, to glorify and create heroes, no matter how decadent or depraved that hero might be. Charles Manson still gets love letters; there is an army of ill-informed, deluded Che Guevara worshipers out there with their chorus of approval which amounts to paying homage to a psychopath who glorified genocidal ideology. Hence the TV is full of Jerry Springer type garbage which the masses orgasm over – and MTV running endless videos of violent destruction and near kiddy porn. But hey, we can all distinguish between reality and art can’t we? The famous last words of the victims of ‘Natural Born Killer’ copycats.
The no respite ‘throw away’ society grows ever bigger. It’s like an alcoholic attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for the first time; stands up and says; ‘Hi, my name is Bacchus and I have a problem’ (a witty tweet discovered deep in the dirge).
‘Your column is very Cryptic Geg’, says Betty. It’s a language thing darling and helps one avoid prison cuisine. ‘To digest your rants I sit privately reading over and over’. You are truly royal Mrs. B and incredibly gifted, but for many it’s merely an oxy-moronic discerning unawareness. As for that quiet place, it is said that ‘Hanebisho’ toilet paper is the only roll fit for such a botty. At $17 a pop who else could afford it? (“Pop”! No, it is not a spelling mistake).
Betty belongs to an extremely over-populous nation which has spread itself by the billion to every radius and soon the moon. Yet she makes profound statements. On European immigration; ‘To accommodate someone’s culture, one has to change their own’. In other words, bliss off back to whence you came and stop imposing on others, forcing often stifled ideology on the advanced because of self-insecurities. My God she’s a philosopher. She says of Western politics; ‘It’s all controlled, covert accident’. ‘Help, I can’t feel my legs’, said the mermaid. Betty is a protector, a sort of whistle-blower in her own right. Ironically her thoughts about the likes of say Julian Assange and Edward Snowden depicts them as incredibly brave as they are foolish. She is however very positive about the NSA (National Security Agency) – She tells us that it is the only government department that really listens to is people.
OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – APRIL 2016
Contrary to what some might desire of this column, such as highlighting social inadequacies, championing Liberal gunk or promoting inanity for the sake of masking incompetence and browning one’s nose; well, this will never happen. However, should our beloved Über Führer wish it; ‘Can I warm your bed pan Sir’? He muttered while removing said lips from the inside of his master’s bellybutton, then the way of Jeremy Clarkson it goes. Surely that warrants another disclaimer block?
Alternatively, we could just repeat or regurgitated old jokes which you’ve all heard before. Such as; ‘I went to the zoo yesterday and to my surprise there were no animals, only a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu!’ Or; son asked dad what ‘gay’ means and dad replies that it means happy, to which the son asked; ‘Are you gay dad’? ‘No’ said dad; ‘I’m married’. (Don’t think about it too long).
Or err to ‘almost’ complete safety and try fruitlessly to convince billions that we are not alone. What with an abundance of methane found on Pluto recently we could get all jiggy and interestingly go scientific After all, it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that Pluto must have been ‘The Planet of the Cows’. (One cow farts more in an hour than a full Walmart cafeteria serving only baked beans).
Oh no, the ‘Great Conundrum’ is upon us, so we rant and put reality into perspective by highlighting the escalating deviance in power and the demise of competitive education with the ever increasing fit and healthy masses breeding kids up the ying-yang, with no means of supporting them – other than demanding the wholly appeasing better equipped to feed them, give them shelter and defend them. Now-now, who will begrudge a little nooky here and there, even if it means so many weeping into BBC and France 24 cameras bleating that their wives are 3 months pregnant having lived with absolutely no shelter or privacy, in the squalor of jungle migrant camps in Calais for 5 months? It sort of brings a whole new perspective to the trend of ‘dogging’.
‘This is life Jim, but not as we knew it’. A Marxist, a Marxist-Leninist and a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist took their seats in the European parliament; it was wonderful to see such a variety of attendees. Pseudo-equality ‘luvvie Illuminati ideology’ for self-inflated egos, cloaked narcissism and sex which champion morons NOT to better themselves. ‘How dare you say that? ‘Totally unacceptable. Vile!’ screams the BBC corridors, echoed by other infected media and almost all other clanspersons (Note: PC correct insert), but not the back page of ‘Bahrain This Month’ or Britain’s Daily Express, neither of which are owned by Murdoch (yet), so sit down at the back! This blind arrogant dismissal of all opposition has created a bubbling black-lash which will end in violent mayhem of catastrophic proportions.
Most of us are liberal, but not fascist rubber Trotskyites cloaked in sexually permissive totalitarianism which now has firm control over generations. History will label this era as ‘The Great Divide’ and whether religion or politics, this massive polarization is manifesting itself ever more volatile. Revolution or anarchy brought on by Liberals, a very dangerous so-called conciliatory movement steeped in emollient from the neck up and KY from the waist down.
Imagine Trump as President; we might see Russian troops sent to the U.S. as ‘peace-keepers’ – armed only with ‘plutonium teabags’ of course. Surely he will soon be bumped off by these so-called ‘peacefully passive’, loathing aggressive lefty Liberals with their pacifier removed.
It is all very well to pit videos of Obama’s forgiving retorts against Trump’s brashness of which the Internet is now full of. It only makes Trump stronger and Obama more wimp. Anti Trumper Hilaryites claim to be civilized passive (aggressive more like), but serial activists nonetheless and violent! Many passionately psychopathic, oozing charm as they pontificate that; ‘It is everyone one else’s fault but not ours’. Now where have we come across that before? The guilty get clean away nowadays, but factually, the majority of us feel there are no rights, thoughts or positive action for victims. Most support capital punishment but are not allowed to say it. Out of hand empathy is always directed at the perpetrator, molly coddled by warped human rights, brainwashed by agenda, unless of course the perp, mentioned Trump then it’s off to the Tower.
What was the covert back-hand fee for lamping Trump at his conventions my bruddah? Oh there is a lot more to come. The ludicrous rhetoric showered at Trump has him already instigating pogroms laced with heinous slaughter. We saw black people wading into Trump supporters with fists, course gob and boots blazing. Astonishingly whiter than white (Cough) Clinton and Bernie Saunders, both immediately took to the podiums and outrageously admonished Trump in every which way. They displayed the sincerity of Fred and Rosemary West or a ferocious female Black Window courting an impotent suitor while completely condoning the real violent culprits. What a farcical, (nodding as usual) face she made, but even her faithful dulled the applause because they were embarrassed by the reality. Wait! Then the other two Republican candidates jumped on the bandwagon. How can you trust politicians?
OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – MARCH 2016
‘My Facebook password was cracked, now I have to change my birthday’. Duh! Don’t worry, the NSA, GCHQ, the Illuminati and no doubt Daésh will have already stored all your exploits, and rated your ‘intelligence cachet’ which is PC for dumbness. Yahoo is gasping its last breath and as big as it is, Facebook addiction will wane as does all other fads the moment something interestingly new and positively inane comes along. Quite what that might be is anyone’s guess but it won’t be a re-born ‘MySpace’ which actually required individual creativity.
With data bandwidths and speeds begging to get better, perhaps some web-based form of self-made tedious ‘Reality TV’ upload might struggle to emerge; that is if our friendly politicians don’t continue to try and ban everything; which questions the very soul and purpose of a smart-phone in the first place. Maybe those will be banned too and Bahrain will have its own unique identity like Cuba, where cars from the 1950s are the only vehicles and we will be toddling around with an old 1994 Nokia 232 refurbished forever. At risk of thoroughly offending our deluded great friends, nice people and dear colleagues in the broadcast media; let’s face it, in Bahrain we really have such nonexistent broadcast platforms drowned by blind incompetence so what else can we do? Then again, in utter despair there’s nonsensical talk of un-clarified laws being introduced, if not already in place, “Banning the upload of video and audio”. So what, we can still log on to Facebook, Instagram or whatever, but only as voyeurs?
Google + is out as that is the great failure which we are all forced to join but so few ever use. Facebook has overtaken entire lives, but at least you and only you are responsible for exposing yourself on it, whereas Google + exposes your entire life to the world if you don’t disable the automatic upload and share buttons which you had no idea about and which are set to ‘on’ by default. It eats your bandwidth as saucy ‘selfies’, tasteless ‘Whatsapp’ exchanges, kinks and classifieds are Androided to the cloud with you utterly oblivious. Data harvesting in full swing, your profile has been established and depending what pix were posted on Google +, ‘targeted advertising’ pushes you a message offering you an Anne Summers enlargement kit or worse.
‘Behind every successful person there’s a deactivated Facebook account’. Endless regurgitation of the same videos and banners and you get possessive and post; ‘I already posted that last year’, as if you were the intellectual and originator! Inane comments and pictures of your breakfast gets 250 likes, but post a riveting, well-crafted missive about psychopaths in our midst and only your sister gives you a single like. Low self-esteem, depression, even suicide could prevail. ‘Death by Facebook’ will be written into law within the next ten years for sure. Besides, before Social Media, did we ever photograph what we were about to eat, then run around and get the film developed making 2,000 copies and sending the picture off to all your friends? Umm…..no!
Then on a roll with your wit or compassion, like a berk you respond to a friend’s post without reading the previous comments. Sadly 40 other friends just posted exactly the same thing before you. Not to offend, each receives a ‘like’ of course.
‘What kills you makes you stronger’. Ugh? Even amoeba has a voice because some illogical collection of words perceived to be cognitive were posted elsewhere so it must be right, so share it! ‘Wow, all my friends had birthdays this year’. Really, what about next year? Then there’s the deluded brave heart; ‘oo really fancies this geezer’ so posts; ‘I love sniffing ‘iz colon when ‘ee comes in the room, I fink its Brut’ Thankfully millions of animal lover videos make up for the dirge and wealth of bad grammar, spelling and otiose Facebook content which we are all addicted to. To remove yourself from this inanity sees cold turkey-virtual isolation set in. Your assumed importance to life soon nags – so log-on you must. But, as the smarter among us disable our Facebook accounts this targeted advertising will still be pushing new caravan accessories to the trailer park brigade or special offers for Walmart intellectuals and Zuckerberg will still be a godzillionaire .
The ‘who’s been looking at you’ feature has yet to be implemented on Facebook deliberately (Linkedin do it for a fee), otherwise all the virtual perving of your pix would stop. Yes, Facebook can be cruel and lonely too if you have so few friends and Facebook keeps reminding you. Then, when no amount of make-up is going to cut the mustard, as in this wall post from someone called Sharron.
Darren Smith: ‘You look sexy…’
Sharron: ‘Thank you Dad’.
OLD MAN’S RANT – JULY 2015 – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH MAGAZINE
It’s Ramadan….. so be careful what you say as people are very touchy about food at certain times of the day. Most not and couldn’t care less, but we do have bigots and snitches, so Ramadan Kareem to all who supposedly practice and for those who pretend, I’ll see you for a bacon butty and a coffee at the studio for indulging.
Certain countries (names of which cannot be revealed until prison food improves) block questioning web sites, especially those containing alarming subjects such as we speak of today. So at risk of being burned at the stake, we bring you news of life’s termination as we know it Jim. No jokes, no funny lines, this edition of the Old Man’s rant is a stunner, frightening and seriously serious, so don’t bother to write a will.
Judging by the dates of some of the old magazines we see in waiting rooms especially barber shops, it might be too late and your awareness posthumous as you flick through pages while sitting on Cloud Nine waiting to go in, wondering what the hell happened! Well, a massive asteroid from hell hit earth September 2015 and we are all gone. Google it! (Edit – March 2016 – um er!). Maybe even those arrogant white Toyota Land Cruisers owners who think they rule the road are rid of. A drastic measure but hey! Coming back to now, the news is front page of the UK’s Daily Mirror in full colour, so it must be true. If Fox News starts reporting it as well, really fear for your life.
It has been almost 3 months since the word ‘Illuminati’ and the associated conspiracy theory rants appeared in this column, yet there was a solemn promise to include something about it in each article. No scientific facts collaborate the reality of this uber catastrophe, but it is thought to be some conspiracy the Illuminati has scammed it up. It even pre-empts Armageddon, of which at least some are supposed to survive. That would be all Virgos then.
Like being locked in a dominatrix’s dungeon, this magazine is strapped to philanthropy, forfeiting their own well-being to warn others less able. No expense has been spared with Skype calls around the world warning one and all to prepare. A pacifist’s solution might be to immediately uproot to Denver Colorado where people gather in huddles and converse in ‘wow’ speak with the invisible, as they smoke the envisaged horror away. Claiming drug use as a recreation is just denial anyway, but now business on the streets will be booming, all lighting up to block out the pending doom. Imagine the state of the place; a stoned dude walks along the railroad track believing it to be the stairway to heaven but wonders why the hand rail is so low. A quick warning was communicated to a commune and caused an instant stampede to the coke shop. Heeding our plea to focus and stay well away from this evil powder they agreed and now use 5 meter long straws.
Being pedantic, let’s call it a bucket shop legacy, but there is a scientific boo-boo here. The headline; ‘Asteroid will hit earth in September’ is just so wrong, so don’t panic. Asteroids are orbiting something and become meteors once they start going off the rails. This is hardly surprising, with all that Denver air and shisha from here wafting to the stratosphere and beyond. Any alien that descends will already be stoned. If a meteor is not completely destroyed by the earth’s atmosphere and actually lands on earth, they become ‘meteorites’. So it will be a meteorite maybe 100 times smaller which destroys us, not an asteroid. Now don’t you feel better having cleared that small matter up in your final seconds? OK, so the original asteroid was bigger than Jupiter and could be about the size of the moon as it enters our atmosphere. Relax; even if it is one hundred times smaller, it would make no difference, we are gonners.
For now, asteroid…. what asteroid? This is insignificance compared to the fears sweeping through the expatriate community dreading the moment government subsidies are removed and we are forced to pay on average something like BD 150 a month for electricity during peak summer demand. Most labourers in Bahrain will wish the Asteroid came sooner. So chill and gulp more shisha as fast as you can, don’t bother about buying in bulk at the supermarket or ordering anything on Amazon after August this year. Don’t even bother buying the ultra large bags of soap powder to wash your soiled underwear, because where we are going, you won’t need any.
Not only beating out Armageddon this baby even tops the BBC’s desired finality of having an ethnic, disabled, lesbian President, which sounds like as much fun as an asteroid hitting earth.
OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – JUNE 2015
OK, how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Of course, old joke; firstly one has to assess if the light bulb wants to be changed. This is just the sort of analogy we need to enhance scientific leaning and career prospects – not!
Just so you know where we are going, let’s assess the nuance of this article. Finding the perfect job is as rare as unicorn sh*t, but life ostensibly begins in our late teens with that sole goal in mind. Amazingly, so called studies show that among the worst university degrees to obtain are within the arts, which according to this research are close on a complete waste of time. Shockingly, criminology is also high up the pile of pointlessness if this list of defeatism is to be believed. Speechless!
Just like media hype for inanity and without being too sesquipedalian about it, most of these long winded surveys are just that, tosh! Wait a minute! Who are you to incinerate that I don’t know big words? But if authentic, then music and graphic design or degrees centred around these subjects are ostensibly as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy bum and below the status of stuff like marketing or Social Studies which every man and his gold fish seem to have. That and Psychology. Ah, but ask yourself who carries out these studies? Oh! That would be marketing people and psychology students trying to justify and validate their own existence on degree courses. What they fail to remotely intimate is that there are more psychologists working in McDonalds than wannabe actors in Hollywood.
Apparently only some 20 percent of degree holders actually carry their qualification through to a related vocation with most just wanting the acknowledgement and credence of degree level intelligence when applying for jobs. What jobs….where? Yale degrees in hip-hop and black rap or street talk are commanding high paying positions within corporations, simply because the Curriculum Vitae lists a ‘degree’. Yes, some American universities even offer degrees in what can only be labelled pornography and one suspects a super-graphic memory helps with IQ tests. Indeed, the Proprietor of this ‘ere bastion of literary works wishes to bring to our attention that there is currently a large (using the word very sparingly) shortage (using the word lovingly) of male employees in the Japanese adult movie industry. Lots of openings apparently!
With physics, the ‘s’ and the ‘y’ are in the wrong order so avoid that, but because it begins with ‘psycho’, psychological profiling is way up the must have degree desires. After all the CBS series ‘Criminal Minds’ portrays most of us as chain saw murderers and none too clever because the profilers know exactly how we think and have this uncanny ability to guess which brand of chain saw will be used by all. The profilers go down the hardware store, which miraculously has a list of purchasers and bingo, perp. arrested! By this time, 20 souls minced but hey they know who did it. So the question is; how come these psychologists can’t perform in ‘Minority Report’ mode and go to the store earlier? Or is that too deep?
If psychology is credible and factual, then life as we know it is nothing but organized ideology. Analytical comedians like Emo Phillips tend to test psychology to its inner or outer limits by going against teachings and asking God for a new car or something material, but we know it doesn’t work like that. So just go out and steal the car and then ask God for forgiveness. That apparently does work. Then we have those who somehow look out from the inside and we call that philosophy. Dare we mention the psychotherapist! Apart from the word itself being made up of ‘psycho the rapist’, who the hell is psychoanalysing the assessor?
Don’t despair; jobs are out there. A lot of say highly educated ladies from ex-communist blocks holding doctorates in rocket science are walking around gainfully employed. They could quite possibly land a rover on Mars, but earn far more on a much smaller scale guiding pocket rockets around Juffair in Bahrain.
As a footnote; before the Internet, Plymouth University in Southern England has or had infinitely more wannabe psychologists swarming and swamping the place compared to the number of light bulbs in the entire building. For those on complex mathematical and technical degree courses, seeing this entire abstract curriculum in play exasperated them to the Nth – Y degree. The psychologists had umpteen free periods and no lecture days, so continuously filled the top floor library blocking access to those hard working geeks who got no free periods at all yet were desperate to get a shot at the books but couldn’t. Catching this Bombay like train lift crammed with twittering anal retentive Freudies was a nightmare, so drastic tactics were employed by the geeks. One would force his way into the lift squeezing among the mass, while his colleagues would walk up one flight of stairs. Pressing floor one, once the doors had closed and the lift started moving, said geek would covertly let out an enormous fart (through his mouth we think) which resulted in a rapid mass exodus at the first stop. Needless to say, waiting geeks would quickly jump in, shutting out the psychologists. Who knows, maybe they started to study this methodology as ‘contra-deviance’?
OLD MAN’S RANT – APRIL 2015
Page 201
Bahrain this month April 2015
SOAPBOX FOR THE OLD AND GUMPY 3
Spoiler warning: The following article contains flash photography and an authentic sense of humour embodied with language which many who have lost touch with reality will find offensive. Furthermore, the risk of triggering bouts of Jeremy Clarkson syndrome for those affected is quite high
Don’t you just love living in Bahrain where Political Correctness has as much presence as a Casper in a bacon factory here. Bahrain is the classic Hotel California; ‘You can check out any time, but you can never leave’. Utterances like; ‘How dare you’ and ‘apologize now’ are as rare as unicorn dung and you are going nowhere with it even if you try. So for the PColics, here’s an apology before you palpitate; ‘Sorry, you are in Bahrain and you love it. Get over it – now’.
It confuses the life out of expatriates of the appeasement generation who have elsewhere collectively dominated not only what we say, but how we must appease, live and act among each other. A particular flare up issue is and always will be the imported and imposed cultures; those who in principle leave their unhappy, often violent homesteads to pursue a better life in the west, but through bloated Political Correctness are allowed to create what they left behind in the new paid for home. ‘No problem’ reads the flyer; just make sure you vote Socialist. Wait! Sit down, take some water, you are having a Jeremy Clarkson reaction already.
Is it ok to carry on now?
So you have arrived on these shores and are initially horrified by the total disregard for sensitivities other than religion but have somehow fallen in love with the place. A conundrum as Radio Bahrain’s Mr. Fisher would put it and Christopher Hitchens a self-proclaimed Marxist, Neo Conservative (no confusion there then) and polemicist – expounded as to how depressed he was. Even he couldn’t fight his own doctrine. Confused he says; ‘Living in a country where you can be told “That’s offensive” as if those two words constitute and argument’.
While Da’esh physically and terminally wipe priceless artefacts off the earth, limp ‘Peeceeuraucrats’ as far afield as Alaska have engaged in apocalyptic paternalism for the past 40 years or more (Look it up). This culminates in the abstract removal of one of life’s greatest arts, by actively suppressing any form of laughter as they attempt to eliminate all traces of the once upon a time intangible hormone called ‘a sense of humour’, simply because it is deemed offensive to someone somewhere; known or unknown, close by or maybe 50,000 light years away, or even dead. ‘They’ have near succeeded too, judging by the number of trolls out there.
Clarkson’s antics, hype or real has started a colossal world opinion war which could be the obtuse catalyst for a physical revolution. The BBC chocolate box boss says with naïve brainwashed, privileged but amateur confidence; ‘No individual is bigger than the show’. Oh really sir and on which piece of Marxist Fabian parchment does it support that? In this case Mr. Luvvie might consider calling his favourite chiropractor to help him extract his head from behind his belly button. And if Jonofon Roff gets the job it would be a war crime.
It is strikingly obvious; UK and Europe in particular are a mess with a massive volcano about to erupt, as missionary statements commanded by this now echelon of society are being challenged. Forcibly by law ‘they’ have dictated speech content using a viral language called ‘clichéd rhetoric’ in response to anyone who starts a sentence with the words; ‘I think’.
Despite the plethora of peroxide blondes on Fox News never having wanted to master ‘clichéd Rhetoric’, the unearthly profusion of closet members at the BBC are extremely fluent in it. Ask yourself, why did Esperanto fail? Because words like ‘foreign’ (eksterlandaj) and ‘obese’ (graso bastardo) were just too long
The echelon, ‘they’ have successfully been forcing equalization and drabness upon us, even degrading exam standards so as not to offend the dopey. With droves of ‘clichéd Rhetoric’ speakers in tow; mouthpieces like the BBC and newspapers such as The Guardian, Independent, Huffington Post and a good few more, literally ‘speak for us all’. Megalomaniac egos overpower reason, with a desire to neutralize the voter base, in other words make us all totally indistinguishable from each other. You know the rules; do not profile at a crime scene or airport. Vanquish all thoughts that this person might be different because they have a beard or wear tribal like clothes and enforce colour blindness on everyone. Damn Clarkson.
Here’s a simple tip to detect ‘they’ when being subliminally nobbled. Every time you listen to a radio advertising message, promotion, current affairs presenters and now so-called entertainers, be conscious of the voice and demeanour. It is almost like it is one voice or clone of for all now; this incessant sickly, girly sing song replica of that BBC pop channel implant, spewing out insincere happiness. The liberally infected ‘Pronoun Virus’ ever present as she hangs words at the end of every sentence. Je suis all ‘WE’. If not her, then it is an equally effeminate male (we think) with a lisp, doing much the same. The Star Gate is somewhere in the Meteorological Office. Whoops! Severe Clarkson moment. Doctor!!! Plus, clock the clothes, particularly the BBC presenters. The female species so often wear vibrant blue or bright yellow and is as significant as a bird mating ritual. Blokes removing ties would be just too much for now, so wear pink for the same reason and red for allegiance. They even have the gall to wear arm bands if Bono from U2, Paul McCartney or Bob ‘Comfortably Numb’ Geldof strike up a cause. It is all so incestuous and closed shop. Clarkson has never been part of that, having slipped through the corridors years ago and like double jeopardy managed to hang on, but it was never going to be easy.
OLD MAN’S RANT MARCH 2015
Bahrain this Month – March issue 2015 (Page 176)
SOAPBOX FOR OLD CODGERS 2 – For March 2015
Opinions expressed in this column in no way reflect those of Santa Claus, the country, the magazine, the Editor, any particular company or anything you might find in the closet.
Everything gravitates to sea level when you hit the senior years except time. You slow down but the clock speeds up. More everyday things annoy the hell out of you. Even life in general is a struggle, like trying to heave oneself out of bed 50 times during the night. The pseudo carefree younger generation has no idea as they waltz through the days accepting and appeasing everything thrown at them, with us older folk baffled as to why. It is across the board from agenda indoctrination in the media to computers and Google googling your insides even behind closed doors.
The technology doesn’t really bother us, but the likes of say Sir William Gates does. He who with his software in the mid 80s found a legitimate way of inducing heart attacks, nervous breakdowns, chronic eczema and baldness in upwardly nubile young ladies. As the old adage goes; If Bill Gates had a cent for every time Windows crashed…. Oh Wait! He already has.
The almighty ‘Operating system software’ can be classified as a basic need these days as we cannot do without it. When it works, it is there to control our very existence in every way and who knows what is going on in the background?
Regrettably no software was injured during the construction of this epic, but if it was perfectly legal to seriously maim responsible programmers, Silicon Valley would quite likely be a serial killer’s paradise.
Unstable software has become a health hazard for us old ‘uns. Imagine some poor lonely old soul, orphaned at 50 and spouse no more, all alone in the world, his spirits perked up on a dating site and just as ‘Google’ condescends to find the perfect match – Windows crashes. As the late Joan Rivers describes romance in later life; ‘An affair of the heart is a bypass’,
Of course it is all Illuminati deciding everything for us. Stop laughing at the back. It is, they are everywhere! Be on the lookout for anyone in a space ship or something equally telling, they shouldn’t be hard to spot. Now seemingly meandering off the plot; This chap walks into a library and asked the librarian if she had any books on suicide. The librarian dismissed him immediately saying that they stopped lending them, because people were not bringing them back. Tasteless or not this joke is pure Illuminati and stems from a home grown original which was covertly removed from Facebook. ‘A civil servant walked into a library and asked if they had any books on the ‘Illuminati in Europe’. The librarian said; ‘Triangular Merkal’.
Not Illuminati? Did you know that many of the first few batches of the iPhone 5 were shockingly defective, yet nobody moaned and the world’s media stayed silent? Up to 8 million were quietly returned to Taiwan in early 2013 for re-engineering and the other 28 million of us suffered, having paid a small fortune only to experience the ‘no network’ syndrome and ‘Wi-Fi forget hell’. The world believed it to be our telecom provider on both counts. Worse still, the telecoms companies went along with it keeping their mouths well shut or be forced to replace thousands upon thousands of handsets which were handed out so-called free with packages. The iPhone 5S fixed the problem and Apple came out smelling of roses with no signs of blight. In fact, in true Illuminati format, Apple actually deflected any potential adverse publicity by announcing that their CEO was joyfully gay. Just sayin’….
Rumours abound that Google has reversed engineered Windows. Talk about ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ or ‘Wag The Dog’, it really is Hollywood come true and the Illuminati, now a massive conglomerate is obsessed with eyeballing you and clocking which soap you use in the shower. Smart TV? Ho Ho Ho! It is listening to your every word.
Bizarrely we are forced to tick the ‘AGREE’ button before we can even try the product and they have then got you by the short-cut and cursors. If you think this is actually fraud, then join the club. Oops! Not a good turn of phrase
There is a toothless army of dissatisfied, frustrated folk out there who know the operating system software is defective at sale, but can do absolutely nothing about it. Sure it loads, it runs – sort of, exasperating us old codgers to the point of violence. Macs are generally the more stable of the two staple options, but don’t hold your breath; Apple has gotten away with some blinders too as mentioned above.
It’s Murphy’s Law in a box and our precious lives ebbing away. We just don’t have time for this. Every day we endure those constant imposing updates which drive you crazy as we endlessly wait for the computer to switch off or even start now. It is always when you are in a rush but you fear stopping the process in case it screws something up or worse, fire breaking out if you leave it because of the cheap Chinese fans in the cheap Chinese case, not to mention taking up our costly bandwidth in gigabytes. Like a bad romance, Windows is also quite capable of hanging just on the stroke. This ritual continues until the new software version comes out which we are all forced to pay premium for again and again and the whole palaver repeats itself. ‘The Hills have Eyes’ is less of a horror story. Seriously, if a car manufacturer or any other industry for that matter sold a defective product, then a recall would be ordered or a refund, but not anything under the control of the Illuminati.
OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH (February 2015)
Bahrain This Month – Old Man’s Soap Box Rant:
The old adage goes something like; ‘To cut a long story short – just don’t tell it!’ But senior citizens love to reminisce with the clichéd; ‘When I was a lad’, or; ‘As girls we use to….’ Unfortunately, most things old people come out with now is considered grossly politically incorrect. With communication between us now predominantly in text form, it is a tad difficult for old timers to manipulate all this changing technology, but don’t underestimate us. It is our faculties that let us down, not our brains. Sure we get slower to respond to things physically, but not mentally. Think about it; all that knowledge accumulated over the years is like a million gigabyte disk drive full of data. It just takes a little longer to access it and we only do a working week in our heads, with those in Europe under the impression that there’s no email delivery on Sundays.
Sure, the body processor slows down a bit as well, but we all become lovable until you get on our nerves and the new bloated PC generation can certainly do that, so we rant and as we get older and there is good reason to get grumpy.
Now women generally get quieter as they reach their golden years with the rampant, wanton cougar in them diminished or at least diminishing. But there’s not an old man who hasn’t got a good lengthy yarn to spiel, true, false or somewhat embellished. Life’s experiences will do that to you, plus we all tend to get much less shy as we slow down and are quite happy to yap away to anyone who will listen as if the last day might be tomorrow. Alas, with everyone on their mobile phones texting, it is difficult to find an audience. There again, even if we manage, it is most likely another older person, so all this new found desire to communicate is often a fruitless aspiration because your new old friends can no longer hear you anyway . For the wrinkled, ‘let it all hang out’ takes on a whole different meaning verbally, particularly for blokes, but the proverbial mobile phone selfie is definitely not on the menu. Now that’s not sexist in anyway – moi sexist? Gossip is not a story and the reality is that unlike men, few women sit reminiscing and blathering tales of exploits best of times. As the years clock up, the fairer sex tend to more ‘tch tch’ as a disenchanted, ‘mature’ response rather than throw the blarney stone at you. Mind you, most had plenty to say while getting there. The fact is, so many married blokes have had to wait until they are over sixty five to get a word in. So verbal is the order of day because texting pretty much becomes impossible without a couple of glass pebbles over your eyes, LOL.
Older readers might be ROTFL as they scan this missive, thinking how true. Only now, they will respond with ROTFLACGU! (Rolling on the floor laughing and can’t get up). BTW doesn’t mean ‘by the way’, it means; ‘Bring the wheelchair’. LMAO is adapted to become LMDO, or to be more precise; ‘Laughing my dentures out’. It is a whole new language and meaning we have to learn. ‘Talk to you later’ or TTL stays the same, but between old folk it means; ‘Talk to you louder’.
But hey, men get so much more romantic after retirement and more imaginative, which is extremely odd because most marriages go through phases where either party would be quite happy if they could literally get away with murder; so the companionship grows more intense, or is that needy? Old couples see more beauty in each other, even if men still see more beauty in….um.. anything that moves in a skirt or a tight T shirt pair of jeans. As mentioned, they come out of their shell and become bolder, believing they are more loveable, funny and forgivable, sitting there in retirement watching the world go by. Of course, they’ve not only lost the touch and ability but any possibility of getting out the chair fast enough, if in the extremely remote chance that some willing potential conquest happened to walk past the window.
Old age is the déjà vu that you are having a bad attack of déjà vu. You’ve been there, done it, wrote the book and sent the postcard.
So back to the grumpy insinuation and stereotyping an entire generation of anyone with a liver spot; let’s make this perfectly clear and with some glee. Disregard, dismiss or just dis the old codger’s outpourings as just another pathetic rant at your peril, for each is a masterpiece of experience. To do so is actually offensive in its essence, rather than the content of old folk’s outpourings. This hypocrisy is not perceived by the now wide-spread ultra-orthodox Politically Correct, deluded, confused or just oblivious among us, wallowing in their misguided appeasement. Calling us old folk ‘out of touch’ or even worse accusing us of being ‘offensive’ because we tell it like it is, is outrageous. Just back off! Furthermore, I’ll worry about my own health and safety not you!
The best part about it is; being an old git with probably only a few years left on earth, (a debatable, contentious statement in itself) you don’t care what you say anymore, so my next rant will address the pseudo majority Illuminati who these days instantly object to anything and everything.
RADIO KHALEEJI GA GA
I am a loss as to find any more news on this issue, other than what I read on Arabian Biz. So the question is, where did they get their information from? I have a few loyal and trusty ears and eyes within the Ministry and there was no hint of this in the wind leading up to this announcement. Has this ‘really’ been thought through?
There is such a huge misconception and indeed perception to the contrary that there are ‘qualified’ broadcasters of standing within the local media. There are a few nice voices if you like, but there are no characters, no real professionals and how can there be? Despite whatever the existing media says, there is no such thing as ‘free media’ in the entire Islamic world, never mind the Gulf itself. There just cannot be because to have such talent, one needs to be a free spirit and the culture is not ready to hear alternative thought as such. Those that do realize the poor showing cannot come up against the masses, so just give up. By doing so, we have a vicious circle spiraling into the abyss.
Since it all began, it was just lip service. there has really been no understanding of the art, thus no progress, no respect or discerning the principal in the first place. Besides, those above who are put in a position of power or management have no real notion of broadcast media or the arts either for that matter. Nice people maybe, good friends of mine to say the least, but it is all smoke blowing and say the right thing. National pride and the desire to believe that everything local is professional and sound (no pun intended) goes without saying, but we all know really that this is delusion personified.
Some come and they quickly go. For most the eviction was not of their choice. Others are removed because of intimidation, whereby they literally make monkeys of the talent-less offerings sitting beside them and so easily and willingly put in place. For a few others, they take one look and say; ‘Sod this’.
Nobody gets trained in the art, nobody cares, nobody perceives the industry as a profession which requires qualification. Even then, the qualification is intangible.
So here they go, a commercial dream for some, one might think. After all, MBC has had such outrageous privilege for years now, being the ‘ONLY ONES’ given rights to broadcast commercially regionally. That in itself is the epitome of ignorance of the profession. Just as Group Plus were given the status of a Monopoly running a Monopoly. They have NEVER paid a single penny in royalties, to the artists who make the platform possible and attract the listeners for their advertising to be heard. It is ludicrous really.
Orbit Showtime, or OSN are prime examples of the notion that there must be money to be made in media. So get a monopoly and coin it. OSN to my knowledge has NEVER put a cent back into the industry. They have never nurtured the art of which feeds them. So what can we expect?
Until I get more details, I can only post here what I did on Face Book and perhaps some of the comments returned as I go. So far, nobody really cares.
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GOD’S LIVINGROOM
Again I failed to make good on my updates. (telecom) I keep saying that I have articles written which only need proofing and I could post them, then sit back and let all the critics have a field day. Like Christmas, they are coming, like all the music I want to make – it is coming. For now though……………….. As a quick filler, here is a bit of a disguised telecom rant. If some of you do not understand the technical bits, don’t worry, just read between the lines and you’ll live longer
So many times I have said it – ‘I am a telecom man’! Not through choice, but by necessity and I support all telecom companies just as any loyal employee would their own industry. Especially if the telecom company keeps paying me money. I actually get on very well with telecom people, but sometimes I want to shake some art and creativity into them.
Telecom companies have had their day though. Read more