OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – SEPTEMBER 2016
There is nothing more inaccurate than the notion that ‘English is the international language’. It is NOT English, it is a concoction of ‘pidgin’ droppings and bad grammar which is fine and dandy in conversation or buying something in a shop but it should be kept well away from influential broadcast/media, schools or nannies for that matter. Why is gold so precious? Well, it takes a large population of millions to produce just one artistic genius or any vocation for that matter, but when there is no perceived qualification required for the intangible arts or product, then standards disintegrate to dust eventually. Advertising (an art) and broadcasting (an art) in all its forms in Bahrain and across the region so often produces hideous embarrassment. “FEELING STATION NOW OPEN” – sounds like an interesting place. Sing song news readers and old but gold; ‘A navy jet crashed in the North Sea this afternoon but the pilot ejaculated to safety’, well lucky him. We have presenters, spieling nonsensical garbage and zero content respectively about the time and frequency aimed at 5 year-olds. Welcome to Bahrain. It wasn’t like this 25 years ago.
Sadly, awareness is near zero too. Huge banners on every lamppost proclaiming; ‘NEWER AIRCRAFTS”, shop signs with “WELCOM ENGLISH SPORKEN HERE” – “KNOW BARKING ON BAYMUNT” and newspaper classifieds; “SOFA AND BED SHIT FOR SELLING”. Familiar? We even have ‘MILF TAILORING’? Now the mind boggles. It is not just Bahrain;BUT WE SHOULD BE RISING ABOVE THIS with so much more pride. That is difficult when a huge chunk of the population are expatriates many of which can’t write their own language let alone speak a modicum of Arabic or English.
There is not a mother tongue English speaker who understands what ‘brosted’ means, but whatever it is they do it to chickens. The British or American DO NOT ‘avail’ themselves of anything except in a massage parlour perhaps- and please don’t call us ‘pumpkins’ with your endless pishy, same script radio commercials. This bastardized English is all over the world, on every street and in all households now, with the Indian accent the most dominant. How quick was that? It was just a short decade ago, that only the dexterous Dutch spoke English fluently enough for commerce, without the aid of American movies. The British were so grateful especially if they just shouted louder to be understood in foreign countries. The rest of world were still singing Frère Jacques and struggling with ‘Dick and Dora’. Fortunately, most Bahrainis speak an amount of English and the Arabic flavor compared to some country accents is quite pleasing to hear ‘in conversation’, especially soft-spoken female.
At great risk of shattering the egos and delusions of some of the nicest guys one could meet – having this heavy accented farrago broadcast-pumped into one’s ears by the likes of the BBC or our own local radio and TV, generally and tediously tires one out as quaint as it sometimes sounds. The ‘IFOLD TOWWER’ and ‘ION FISHER’ sort of have a ring to them. The appalling IVR systems (Interactive Voice Response) are just atrocious, but nobody cares or perceives it as bad and culprits innocently can’t hear themselves. Conversely, a foreign presenter speaking broken Arabic has more chance of Stealing Mozart’s Yamaha synthesizer from the back seat of his Lamborghini in a shopping mall, than being accepted to broadcast on an Arabic channel. So why torture the English?
We now have Radio Bahrain amateurishly advertising on its own airwaves for DJs and presenters, knowing full well they mean only Bahraini need apply. This will not improve quality, professionalism or bring the art to any perceived standard ‘to aspire to’ whatsoever. In fact, having to advertise for talent on your own airwaves, is totally unheard of and unethical anywhere else and really does depict the level of absent professionalism.
All major countries have ‘professional’ English channels with native language speakers anchoring. It is all for international ‘POLITICAL CREDIBILITY’, not just because a few expats are resident. If there is to be an English language station, then hire proficient, professional, “talented” English speakers (of any nationality) and stop all the inept jingoism.
Bottom line; slick professionalism and boodles of content are what’s needed to create something to aspire to, not more mumbo jumbo, which so few listen to, especially with the might of the Internet crushing radio and TV to insignificance if it doesn’t compete at extraordinary levels of competence. Sadly, there is about as much chance of attaining such a desired mature platform here as seeing a transgender toilet installed in the City Centre.
Radio Bahrain was a tower in its heyday (not a towwer), until that fell down one day – and loved to death with an air of freedom and wellbeing and fabulous for tourism. But wannabe amateurs and wholly incompetents, flying the National Flag, given gauche positions in authority reigned. Naturally intimidated by the few sitting competent they gradually committed a sort of genocide, cleaning out any potential threats. It is now an oblivious embarrassment so just close it down if you can’t provide the goods.
RADIO SHAMBLES
(First posted – 2010 - no longer current, but it is still accurate because history has um…er… repeated itself – Oh, and some have died )
NEWS-NEWS-NEWS!
I don’t know what makes me think of the legendary King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, when I think of the radio authority in Bahrain and the distribution – or not - of frequencies on this friendly – ‘Ich bin eine Bahraini’ island.
‘Must be the non reality of the legend, the ‘Once upon a time’ , the fantasy of it all, I really don’t know. Whoever can pull "Excrementbur" from the stone, gets to rule for a while; then heroically defends and protects from infidels; then goes out and conquers all around as far afield as Never Neverland. Not without the help of trusty Knight Sir Lebalot though and faithful Queen Notalot. Many battles are glorious and victoriously won without contest, except the very last battle in which they are eventually slain and miraculously buried in a non existent grave in an Abbey which millions visit every year to pay homage. And we all live happily ever after. NOT!
As if history repeating itself….. no… history does repeat itself, a new realm of so-called experts pop up and source their cadre from reputed hair dressing salons across the Island and never beyond – and it all starts again – going absolutely nowhere.
STOP! Before I get on my soap. So what else has been happening up on Cedar Hill? Well apart from our Lebanese friends continuing to ""sell dreams"" to the Gulf Arabs, someone convinced someone higher up to open up an new frequency. They didn’t give it to me, despite my continuous lobbying for 400 years.
(To understand this rant if you are from far off places like – er.. Greenland, then you have to read all that goes before – and probably watch a few Youtube videos of Bahraini Parliamentarians complaining about the hiring of a Lebanese barber and friends to run the Radio and Television Corporation.)
FORBIDDEN FRUITS
Still no new ‘independent’ radio yet, although promised no more than 2,592 times. No wait! 2,593 times. Hell, there is not ‘new radio’ at all, but there is a filling of frequency which perhaps should be advertised with the picture of a farmer standing next to a new, fancy dung spreader. Bless! I suspect, although I don’t really know who thought of it, but it might of been an idea, nay the only idea from a good man, a very nice man who cannot be mentioned here, who meant good. Sadly though, ultra deluded, put his faith in a void. I don’t know how much Sir Lebalot had to do with it, but it will never succeed with the present management. Of course, on-line alternatives abound beyond reality, subsidized in most cases by their FM parent, so while we wait for our own bouquet of chancers we can all enjoy the new pastime of………. guessing which half of the world’s web sites have been banned. The ‘UK Lottery’ is one, but it comes and goes.
Since Bahrain really hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons in 2011, web site access has improved as much as it has become restricted. At least now, if one Googles Bahrain, there is plenty to read. Whether many noticed at the time, the holier than thou ‘Bahrain Fair’ got whacked, but by the time you complain or explain, the Fair has long gone. Maybe someone on the hill thought they might be selling those Chinese gossamer film hymen kits that squirt a little red dye as she screams ‘OH GOD"!!! Of course, shhh! We know why. There must be a tab that reads; "ABOUT BAHRAIN" and contained within is an innocent description of the lovely people of this sand dune and their leanings. Great for Tourism isn’t it? A corporation, a tour company or whatever, so proudly puts up a web site and a tab; ‘about Bahrain’ and you click on it and there is no content. I have actually seen this on some Government sites and always wondered why it contains um! er! ‘nothing’. That in itself leaves stacks of material for the comedians.
Where was I? Oh yeah! ‘Debbie Does Duraz’ (A village in Bahrain) type highly educational sites are classified just the same way, so without tricks, you ‘aint gonna get off on it. Even ‘Google Translate’ gets whacked at times, so you cannot look up words like ‘imbecile’, to find a suitable description for the bigots who insist of this pointless exercise. I don’t believe it, I KNOW IT… You make something mysterious and more want to know. Besides, banning something is a very very good way to recruit followers.
ONE MAN SACK RACE
It is often so hard to fathom or even believe the perceived solutions some of these vacant administrators come up with. Orbit Satellite channel is now Showtime and the Showtime Network is now Orbit and branded under the stunningly creative name ‘OSN’ (Orbit Showtime Network) . I bet nobody can guess what that means. Creative genius! (At least the unbelievably named ‘MTC’ [Mobile Telephone Company] eventually filled their lobotomy hole and came up with ‘Zain’, which predominantly means ‘good’ in Arabic). How OSN managed to persuade those on the hill to sweep and kill millions and millions of IP addresses in order to ban just one or two used by three or four naughty boys who give out ‘Dreambox’ codes is dubiously dodgy to say the least. I don’t care what the weirdest of nerd or nun says in its defense; IT SLOWS DOWN OUR INTERNET to a stand still at times – let alone block zillions of legitimate sites. All because of a bunch of privileged opportunists losing a few dollars of their billions. If OSN gave back to the community, produced quality ‘original’ local material or even financed or nurtured the art in any miniscule way, I and millions of others might have a grain of sympathy. Seemingly dominated by Lebanese operators with Saudi money, I am pretty sure we can find a few hypocritical ethics slithering around the surface. I loathe the BBC, which has been nicknamed the ‘Bombay Broadcasting Corporation’, but there is no denying it has consistently contributed to the creative arts; probably second only to Murdoch’s Fox Network.
YOU SHOW ME YOURS’ AND I’LL SHOW YOU MINE
Funny enough, I heard a good line today from my good Bahraini in-the-know friend and confidant while talking about the Lebanese onslaught. He too, said that they (Lebanese) are somehow brilliant at selling dreams to the Arabs, but then you wake up; outside your house – naked.
Ostensibly showing some action on the hill among what must be a growing lobby of complaints, one of the old frequencies which used to carry news feeds is being turned into a pop ‘Youth station’ (launch February 15th, 2010). So do we have Sir Lebalot and brethren against brethren, because for sure they have more than a couple of hands in it , but are fronting it as Bahraini. That is the story today, but how someone can set up a real radio station with ”””new””’ DJ’s (from where) and get everything organized in 2 weeks is pretty spectacular. Oh but then, Bahrain is bursting at the seams with creative ultra professional talent, or deluded, so we are led to believe. But that is what is happening and they are selling radio advertising space already. By the way, if you are over nine and half years old, you will be banned from listening.
‘Al Shabab’ FM (Youth in Arabic) was designed primarily to counteract ‘Group Plus’ who are the current monopoly running the monopoly, legally destroying an entire industry, rendering all competition and fair trading totally extinct. Oh don’t worry, if Al Shabab lasts (I cannot see it myself), as new administrations come, it will surely get swallowed by Group Plus or their mentor as incompetence and palms prevail. Why again I have such thoughts I really cannot fathom, but the quaint old English phrase ‘Honour among thieves’ comes to mind, but obviously takes on a new twist here, Besides, when this heinous contract is up in 2012, it will be renewed without objections being considered, or even heard and our cedars will NOT leave that on off the new contract.
Krazy Kevin is not only on the English 95.6, I have heard him on the Hindi channel as well. Could he be doing a filler on Youth too? I wonder, is David Bloomer (he who was snatched in a dingy type yacht thing and sent to entertain the troops in Iran recently) looking for a spinning spot back? With his new found notoriety and his challenging music choice this could be a scoop for the new channel. They will have to contract him and pay him handsomely as all famous stars enjoy – and he is ‘famous now’ – he’s been mentioned outside of Bahrain. So Dave, settle for nothing less than a 3 year contract and a total package of Four Million Lebanese Pounds (if they ask).
To the current regime this represents CHANGE!!!!!!!!! There has to be change. It is like the old tasteless wartime concentration camp jokes. "Today is underwear changing day! (Loud cheer). Block 13 will change underwear with block 14"
Alas, this new station will emulate Radio Sawah it seems, except perhaps the heavier and no doubt more prolific M.Fkr content?
It is going nowhere folks!
INTANGIBLE DEGENERATES
(Draft 1 – pending proof)
In general, media output all over the world has degenerated into plastic molds. Technically, content and presentation wise, it is all so far of track, with Hollywood the only savior and even half the output from there is so ham and poorly directed sometimes, despite literally millions being spent on production. In such cases, the director does not perceive his or her inability. Canada tries hard, but sometimes, they need to look in the mirror. In the UK, it seems to be hip to put out crap or is that just being part of this self idolizing, protectionist, marginal and quite degenerate at times media agenda?
One simple reason for this mayhem is our quest to create the endless ‘throw away’ society who cares little about anything, having no pride in their work, but that applies to all trades. Looking deeper though and the caring nothing about the quality of output on a station for example, be it audio, visual or media content, actually relates to all forms of appalling media bombarding us nowadays. It is not only broadcast, but up on every billboard or in every magazine.
Intangible industries such as art increasingly have no value and with everyone owning a computer, the entire world is full of instant experts with zero skills. If you are a studio for example and not a commercial entity but an artistic one and professional, this is what you have to put up with everyday. Read more
RECESSIONARY BUSY WITH MEDIA -OCTRITY
It really does seem to be bad for many in the arts right now. I would like to say ‘creative media’, but I must have missed any that might have been lurking about in the last few years. Locally it is as dire as ever and in the Gulf, if not government owned radio, it would all be in deep deep dollops of it now. Outside of America the story is pretty much the same, yet ridiculous, childish, arrogantly incapable and naive cliques are running the radios with heavily formatted, massively boring output just the same and nobody but nobody can tell them different. Hollywood is still the first and last bastion of everything clever and the plethora of mediocrity out there in the form of TV satellite channels leech onto anything going. What the hell would they do without it?
Across the Middle East (where I am), there are loads of channels all doing what I don’t know, but the larger Showtime and Orbit, must be so proud to boast that they produce absolutely nothing of value Read more
RADIO GA GA – DUBAI -PART 1
The name Geg Hopkins was pretty much the be all and end all of radio and production across the Gulf in 80s and even through until now really, although the aspects of the industry have changed considerably. I came in just after Graham Carter Dimmock, he of Episode Six the forerunners to Gillan, Deep Purple and on. Graham was Eagle Studios and was and probably still is quite brilliant and had an excellent radio voice, but left the area in the early 80s. Not only technically, but direction wise, Graham Dimmock knew exactly what he was doing and a hard act to follow. Everything he did sounded FAT and I still have the old 16 channel mixer he used out in my back shed. Wanna buy it? So that was a sort of benchmark in the area for a while. Read more