OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – NOVEMBER 2016

NOV 2016

Well It is all over bar the riots as the endless sewerage spill sloshes down the gutters outside the Whitehouse over the next four years. Sentiments still run savage like a hurricane called ‘Haemo’ through partisan veins. What fun!
Just a thought, why didn’t Chuck Norris join the fray, he’s a red-blooded Texan Republican, a saint, virtuous to the Nth and all things super and wouldn’t recognize a fine rack if they were resting on his nose. We are talking about the man who can hear sign language. When Chuck Norris was born, he cut and knotted his own umbilical. He once punched an unruly horse on the chin which created the giraffe. Chuck is the only man who can count to infinity – twice. He makes onions cry and Big Foot claims to have seen him. Chuck Norris makes Simon Cowell cower and he sleeps with a pillow under his gun. What better man to be President?
Oddly, the expected last minute putsch to save us all by Kanye West and Kim Kardashian didn’t materialise, but don’t worry four years will pass quite quickly and the next candidate holding agenda credentials will surface. Rumour has it that all forgiven OJ Simpson will stand; or at the other end of the scale – by a universe, the brilliant Stephen Hawking who is currently being groomed and his birth certificate forged. Up against them will be a one-legged lesbian midget of Hispanic and Inca descent who holds no birth certificate; who raped and murdered 10 people in self-defence; having obtained early release on compassionate grounds – that being she suffers with Downs’s syndrome, but nonetheless was once the Financial Controller of the Clinton Foundation. Betty, who we introduced last month, puts her money on the latter. After all, Lola is the only mentally and physically challenged lesbian left in the world without a job as the BBC and CNN have employed the rest.
What was the ethical difference between Hillary and Donald? Well it was like asking how one tells the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer. They simply taste different. A woman making suggestive remarks or jokes about a man or otherwise is considered perfectly acceptable, but for a man to strut his stuff as almost EVERY man has since the Big Bang, it becomes derogatory and OMG; ‘so offensive’. Help! Cried the vestal apocryphal virgins. I’m being objectified! There they were, thousands of unfortunately unattractive, dumpy ladies, full of silicon or Botox and walking adverts for Max Factor, bleating their disdain for this monster. Many skimpily dressed at that, sporting cleavages Brunel would be proud to build a suspension bridge across. ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, who is fairest of them all’? ‘Um…The Klu Klux Klan has vacancies’.
Such sick hypocrisy! What was Bill’s proposal line to Hillary? ‘YOU’RE WHAT?’ Someone should ask Hillary if she’s reached her fiftieth read through ’50 Shades of Grey’ yet.
PC yuckspeak has successfully turned Western Nations into wussies (in public anyway). The bloated catharsis set off the pathetic frenzy; they came out the woodwork by the bandwagon and the cesspit sucking media drove it home; richly glamourizing themselves first to go before the camera with their gutter shovelling credentials. ‘Don’t look at my well-packaged breasts but I might occasionally uncross my legs’. ISIS were denied airtime and the very loud bang off North Korea didn’t get a look in.
So proud is Hillary of her support group, such as despised mouth piece, well-fed fur trader Rosie O’Donnel, who desperately wishes she had a pair, who had the gall to constantly make disparaging remarks about Donald the downtrodden. O’Donnel isn’t, has never been, will never be remotely witty in any sense. However, another full-blown hypocritical mouthy comedienne, Canadian Samantha Bee, who certainly can be funny, gets her tirade against Trump well-publicized and then happily emulates him by clocking a gentleman’s wedding tackle and expressing wanton awe at the size. She says; ‘Look at the clackers on him, I could reach in and grab them! I bet they clack like a Newton’s cradle’. To ridicule her hypocrisy further, her show is called ‘Full Frontal’. Now what on earth does that imply? Stop Laughing Hillary!
Even richer than caviar coated molasses; Republican Terminator ‘I vill be bach’ Arnold Schwarzenegger, had the stallion sized cajones to come out against Trump, condemning his desirous dalliances when there are endless examples (some in video) of his own very grubby male prowess harassing the fairer sex. Probably on the same network.
America; you certainly are the land of opportunity. With the bowel movements of a giant wind farm slung at you day after day, it ‘aint fun being a Presidential Candidate, but their egos adore it. Trump’s ‘mandate’ was exactly that; ‘Me man – you date’ and he courted it, but Hillary perseveres with any notion of shame removed through lobotomy and an ego as big as the sun’s aura and gonads to match. Thick skinned? Well, contriteness just doesn’t compute. Even our very own David Bloomer or Ian Fisher couldn’t take that sort of critique without at least wincing just a little bit.

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – OCTOBER 2016

In this month’s drivel, we introduce Betty. Betty is now the spokesperson for this column for many reasons; it’s to save one’s arse around these parts, being able to blame someone else for just about anything really; ‘He/she said it/did it, not me’. Betty exists, she is real and Betty has inadvertently become society’s barometer, an advocate of reason, a discerning light in the blind darkness which has descended upon the last few generations due to political manipulation. Another reason for Betty is that a ‘Pronoun’ is needed to garner simplicity and speed of composition; a first person in other words. It is a journalistic cakewalk, yet criminally discreditable and indeed inane to write in the first person as an article or report. It just depicts that ever spreading fatal infection of the ego overload ‘Pronoun Virus’. ‘I did’ – ‘I think’ – ‘I am’ – ‘I was’, as in the story line, as witnessed in the many (always left wing) columns in our daily rags. Besides, who gives a toss what ‘I’ thinks or ‘I’ does, such as endless talking heads on makeshift TV programmes?
So getting back to content; the Olympics over, and the American Presidential elections upon us. No! We’ve been down that road already and the candidate choices have so much baggage, it belies reality or further comment. Although, the most satirically funny and acceptable Social Media hate post to date was actually blogged by our own anti-Trump Gaffer (he who ‘proprietor-ates’ this ‘ere mag). ‘The only reason Donald Trump watches the Olympics is because he is assessing how high the Mexicans can jump’. Then there’s Hilary who is completely bereft of credibility for sooooooo many reasons. If you asked a thousand women in Washington if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, most would say; ‘Not again’! But never a squeak about it anymore from the media or her ladyship for that matter. The world is watching and those who have no right, no business, yet claim to be affected by American politics are spouting such irreverence against the nation itself assuming all this hate will destroy Trump, when he actually stands against the very PC issue which created this levelling and dumbing of society. The only nation we have heard zip all from is perhaps reserved Japan, but then the word ‘election’ comes as ‘erection’ in their accent and no doubt means the same thing; that some dick will rise to power.
It is all so bizarre and to the few, so blatantly obvious that indoctrination of the masses has been prevalent for decades by the sheer idiocy that so many need an idol, something to worship, to glorify and create heroes, no matter how decadent or depraved that hero might be. Charles Manson still gets love letters; there is an army of ill-informed, deluded Che Guevara worshipers out there with their chorus of approval which amounts to paying homage to a psychopath who glorified genocidal ideology. Hence the TV is full of Jerry Springer type garbage which the masses orgasm over – and MTV running endless videos of violent destruction and near kiddy porn. But hey, we can all distinguish between reality and art can’t we? The famous last words of the victims of ‘Natural Born Killer’ copycats.
The no respite ‘throw away’ society grows ever bigger. It’s like an alcoholic attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for the first time; stands up and says; ‘Hi, my name is Bacchus and I have a problem’ (a witty tweet discovered deep in the dirge).

‘Your column is very Cryptic Geg’, says Betty. It’s a language thing darling and helps one avoid prison cuisine. ‘To digest your rants I sit privately reading over and over’. You are truly royal Mrs. B and incredibly gifted, but for many it’s merely an oxy-moronic discerning unawareness. As for that quiet place, it is said that ‘Hanebisho’ toilet paper is the only roll fit for such a botty. At $17 a pop who else could afford it? (“Pop”! No, it is not a spelling mistake).

Betty belongs to an extremely over-populous nation which has spread itself by the billion to every radius and soon the moon. Yet she makes profound statements. On European immigration; ‘To accommodate someone’s culture, one has to change their own’. In other words, bliss off back to whence you came and stop imposing on others, forcing often stifled ideology on the advanced because of self-insecurities. My God she’s a philosopher. She says of Western politics; ‘It’s all controlled, covert accident’. ‘Help, I can’t feel my legs’, said the mermaid. Betty is a protector, a sort of whistle-blower in her own right. Ironically her thoughts about the likes of say Julian Assange and Edward Snowden depicts them as incredibly brave as they are foolish. She is however very positive about the NSA (National Security Agency) – She tells us that it is the only government department that really listens to is people.

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – SEPTEMBER 2016

There is nothing more inaccurate than the notion that ‘English is the international language’. It is NOT English, it is a concoction of ‘pidgin’ droppings and bad grammar which is fine and dandy in conversation or buying something in a shop but it should be kept well away from influential broadcast/media, schools or nannies for that matter. Why is gold so precious? Well, it takes a large population of millions to produce just one artistic genius or any vocation for that matter, but when there is no perceived qualification required for the intangible arts or product, then standards disintegrate to dust eventually. Advertising (an art) and broadcasting (an art) in all its forms in Bahrain and across the region so often produces hideous embarrassment. “FEELING STATION NOW OPEN” – sounds like an interesting place. Sing song news readers and old but gold; ‘A navy jet crashed in the North Sea this afternoon but the pilot ejaculated to safety’, well lucky him. We have presenters, spieling nonsensical garbage and zero content respectively about the time and frequency aimed at 5 year-olds. Welcome to Bahrain. It wasn’t like this 25 years ago.
Sadly, awareness is near zero too. Huge banners on every lamppost proclaiming; ‘NEWER AIRCRAFTS”, shop signs with “WELCOM ENGLISH SPORKEN HERE” – “KNOW BARKING ON BAYMUNT” and newspaper classifieds; “SOFA AND BED SHIT FOR SELLING”. Familiar? We even have ‘MILF TAILORING’? Now the mind boggles. It is not just Bahrain;BUT WE SHOULD BE RISING ABOVE THIS with so much more pride. That is difficult when a huge chunk of the population are expatriates many of which can’t write their own language let alone speak a modicum of Arabic or English.
There is not a mother tongue English speaker who understands what ‘brosted’ means, but whatever it is they do it to chickens. The British or American DO NOT ‘avail’ themselves of anything except in a massage parlour perhaps- and please don’t call us ‘pumpkins’ with your endless pishy, same script radio commercials. This bastardized English is all over the world, on every street and in all households now, with the Indian accent the most dominant. How quick was that? It was just a short decade ago, that only the dexterous Dutch spoke English fluently enough for commerce, without the aid of American movies. The British were so grateful especially if they just shouted louder to be understood in foreign countries. The rest of world were still singing Frère Jacques and struggling with ‘Dick and Dora’. Fortunately, most Bahrainis speak an amount of English and the Arabic flavor compared to some country accents is quite pleasing to hear ‘in conversation’, especially soft-spoken female.
At great risk of shattering the egos and delusions of some of the nicest guys one could meet – having this heavy accented farrago broadcast-pumped into one’s ears by the likes of the BBC or our own local radio and TV, generally and tediously tires one out as quaint as it sometimes sounds. The ‘IFOLD TOWWER’ and ‘ION FISHER’ sort of have a ring to them. The appalling IVR systems (Interactive Voice Response) are just atrocious, but nobody cares or perceives it as bad and culprits innocently can’t hear themselves. Conversely, a foreign presenter speaking broken Arabic has more chance of Stealing Mozart’s Yamaha synthesizer from the back seat of his Lamborghini in a shopping mall, than being accepted to broadcast on an Arabic channel. So why torture the English?
We now have Radio Bahrain amateurishly advertising on its own airwaves for DJs and presenters, knowing full well they mean only Bahraini need apply. This will not improve quality, professionalism or bring the art to any perceived standard ‘to aspire to’ whatsoever. In fact, having to advertise for talent on your own airwaves, is totally unheard of and unethical anywhere else and really does depict the level of absent professionalism.
All major countries have ‘professional’ English channels with native language speakers anchoring. It is all for international ‘POLITICAL CREDIBILITY’, not just because a few expats are resident. If there is to be an English language station, then hire proficient, professional, “talented” English speakers (of any nationality) and stop all the inept jingoism.
Bottom line; slick professionalism and boodles of content are what’s needed to create something to aspire to, not more mumbo jumbo, which so few listen to, especially with the might of the Internet crushing radio and TV to insignificance if it doesn’t compete at extraordinary levels of competence. Sadly, there is about as much chance of attaining such a desired mature platform here as seeing a transgender toilet installed in the City Centre.
Radio Bahrain was a tower in its heyday (not a towwer), until that fell down one day – and loved to death with an air of freedom and wellbeing and fabulous for tourism. But wannabe amateurs and wholly incompetents, flying the National Flag, given gauche positions in authority reigned. Naturally intimidated by the few sitting competent they gradually committed a sort of genocide, cleaning out any potential threats. It is now an oblivious embarrassment so just close it down if you can’t provide the goods.

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – AUGUST 2016

We live in an age of absolute denial mimicking the ostrich. Nobody but nobody wants to take responsibility for anything, no matter how petty or terroristic. Besides, by and large many pretend it doesn’t really happen, or if so, always to someone else. Realistically and the planet’s great dilemma, there is just too much no-value stifled fodder on earth which we all know deep down, seriously needs addressing. The oblivious brigade of appeasers (who dictate the precedent) pontificate; ‘Aw, leave them alone; they are entitled to their deviance, cubic metre of air, Neanderthal existence and sizeable squadron of offspring’, endlessly support this self-helpless pluralism. We throw massive so-called development funds into their sewers, most of which so often gets filtered away by crooks. Regardless, the bottom line is that nothing changes and no advances are ever really made, other than numbers doing exactly the same all over again.
These do-gooder luvvies have exacerbated the penned ‘civilized world’s’ woes. But who decides to cut the umbilicals? Well, human nature will decide and we are headlong into the abyss already with terrorism the norm and folk by and large anaesthetized to it these days. It is sick both ways. Mainstream Media in full denial reports a hatchet job on a wife in Berlin as an ‘immigrant crime of passion’ while totally ignoring the thousands frequently massacred in other atrocities from whence they came. It is all to save face within their own oblivion of this bubbling Armageddon. After all, heinous, hideous religious atrocities can also be termed ‘Crimes of Passion’.
As fodder for the Illuminati, we bury our heads in inanity, such as Facebook or Android games; ‘Click like and share – once you see the answer’. The more inane the more it trends. Oh -Kill me now! Bizarrely, no matter how ridiculous the scenario is, so few look inwards thus it is always a CIA baby-killer plot or we perceive this skulduggery and conspiracy as beyond one’s existence – ‘What to do habeebee’? To opine such bunkum can be done in safety, but suggest that certain cultures or beliefs carry a mandate within gets one labelled a Nazi, a racist, an infidel or whatever else suits and cannot be done without fear. Sure, the BBC chooses sides and often exacerbates situations to the Nth degree, but ‘they didn’t start it’.
Perhaps an electronic past-time is the answer to all our woes? ‘Pokémon Go’ seems to have phallic heritage by name (Doesn’t everything?) and occupying our very existence, hopefully replacing the obsession with horizontal jogging which ostensibly dominated our lives before it.
By all accounts ‘Da’esh’ are slicker with the mobile phones than most and hypocritically depend wholly on the net, but do you think less heads and hands will be severed as its psychopathic members settle down to take on ‘Pokémon Go’ rather than using the technology solely to spread oppression and fear. Those who have thieved under Sharia Law can’t speak out, because they have no fingers to manipulate their phones. However, there’s hope; any ‘Pokémon Go’ mellowing might even see successful judicial appeals and players appearing sporting stitch-marks around their wrists.
The world is in real fear and no happy ending. A gynaecologist examining a ventriloquist and being taken by surprise is shock, not fear – there is a huge difference. It is subliminal fear calling the shots in the world today and politicians are just headless chickens without a clue what to do and besides they spend most of their waking day feeding their egos, scheming and twisting, planning the next box office thriller- ‘Hatchet Jobs’ rather than doing what they were elected to do. You can’t make it up, the events and shifts since mass immigration and Brexit are so bizarre it’s like we have become another planet. In fact, it is all so dark and dishonest from Washington to Beijing when a politician should be the most “honest” beings on earth and for the people.
Fear creates blanket Stockholm Syndrome and we are exposed to potential and extreme anarchy within nations with religious and racial disharmony screaming at us, but it is all ok, we now have the viral pandemic of ‘Pokémon Go’ to take our minds off it in our desperation to be numbed by entertainment.
Fear not; ‘Pokémon Go’ now begins the extermination of the human race by senseless traffic accidents, each becoming legitimate appeasement as an acceptable binding clause, like manslaughter through drunk or drug infested driving. Next month we’ll investigate a new phenomenon; ‘Poke-Pervs’, those depraved men charging into some lady’s bedroom, mobile phone in one hand……. with the um..er.. limp excuse that; ‘I was after a “Pokémon” Your Honour’. ‘Well at least half of that’, berates the Judge.
But then what else is this column other than a channel of so-called entertainment? Hypocrisy – we love you!

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – JULY 2016

Heard at No.10 Downing Street the morning after the bad hair day Referendum:
Knock knock!
‘Who’s there’?
‘To.. ‘
‘To who’?
‘No, to whom! But you can call me Boris!
‘How very dare you? Ok Boris get lost and hurry before (Sir- no choice now) Nigel Farage comes knocking!
Astounding as the result was with so much unchecked pro bias across all media and hierarchy, those who see through the haze of ‘yuckspeak’ spewed forth by the Fabian clans, had resigned themselves to a ‘fixed’ result. Now the colour blind chameleon skins are working overtime to somehow keep a grip on their well-established Stockholm Syndrome across Europe (as alluded to previously in this column). ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ is actually the Euro-Fabian written manifesto. Read it! The first few chapters are horrendous, but you love it in the end.
The REMAIN voters were fortunate enough to score what they did and can thank Euro 2016 and the Russian supporters for that. With England being so inept and not actually able to play anything that resembles football these days, sending the same infirmed Fabian selection they’ve had for the last millennium was an embarrassment anyway. Bobby More making a comeback; six feet to go. Exactly how many more OUT votes would that have been had the BREXIT fans not still been in France breaking the place up and bravado fantasising that they can make mincemeat of the ogre-us Russians in revenge? Of course, knowing full well the pathetic nature of English football hooligans, the Rooskies who have a sporting pastime of urban fist fighting in swarms had sent an assault army of mutant beefcakes blowing intimidating gay kisses as a poofy Euro-gesture at the well-seasoned drunken English yobs before deliberately pasting them. Astoundingly but in typical Euro PC conditioned style, the British media then made heroes of the English Yobs as if so sweetly innocent. On the morning of the E.U. OUT result being declared, Jeremy Corbin (Labour Leader… well…still!) hogged the BBC cameras squirming – and at last made reference to immigration, something that has been politically suppressed with black hole gravity until now. In defence of mass immigration – no, no, no, call it deluded justification, Corbin bleats that millions of Brits were in Europe at that moment. Um…. doing what exactly Jeremy – throwing chairs and paving stones at anyone nearby?
How come Australian didn’t have a referendum to leave the EU? As stated last month, they had an entry in the Eurovision Song contest, so what went wrong? Is Scotland still there? During Donald Trump’s visit to his Golf Course on which he has spent the Gross National Product of a South American country, the bonny lads and lassies were asking him to save a few bricks from his proposed Mexican wall and send them over as they indeed have their own rebuilding to do. What a conundrum for them; or is it? Scotland by and large wants to be Scottish it seems and always has, which means not being ruled by London or anyone in Europe, so where is this ‘contradiction in terms’ going now? Their current leader is obviously on some very toxic haggis bi-product with not only delusional properties by highly hallucinogenic too.

‘Je Suis IN’ was bandied about rather a lot. T-shirts with; ‘I AM IN’ blazoned across them filling the streets of London. The Brexit crowd running around with magic markers trying to scribble the words ‘The Sh*t’ under it. The jokes were actually played out in reality with people desperately squeezing into a crowded underground train as the doors shut, squashed but in relieved anguish gasp: ‘It’s ok I’m in’! Instantly 300 other passengers except one shouts; ‘I’m in too’! There are umpteen reports of close-knit family break ups due to opposing views within! Husbands and wives denying conjugal rights because hubby romantically exclaims; ‘I’m in’ and she vehemently opposing a Brexit has a momentary fit.
Long before the results, the BBC reported that the higher than normal turnout was due to huge numbers of council estates unusually voting. Talking heads even had the condescending gall to suggest that this element mostly voted IN. If fact, then it was probably because they feared not being able to play the EURO LOTTERY if Britain opted out.
As for Scotland, Just do the vote on Twitter. What an inane stream of ego-mad drivel that is and they all think they are funny and contributing to some imaginary intellectual’s club and influencing the world at large. Laughing at their own pathetically unfunny non-jokes. With Denmark, Holland and maybe Austria up next, possibly the only funny referendum joke on Twitter and hilarious it was, was the banner tweet from Beirut which read; ‘Can Lebanon have a referendum to leave the Middle East’?

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – JUNE 2016

It was fixed! It was fixed! As everything about Europe is. Soppy, blatantly political, sentimental appeasing agenda, It’s a good job Vlad was busy with his own ego and dumbbells, cruisin’ on his Shetland pony Harley while the ‘Eurovision Song Contest’ (never heard of it) was on or he might have accidently on purpose leaned on the button.
What has the Eurovision Song Contest (never heard of it) got to do with life on earth anyway? God was cruel for what a dank bunch of contestants they were at that. Backstage barking was even heard. Someone tweeted that all the songs sounded like they were written by Cold Play but never mind, cop the ludicrous costumes. The only thing missing for most was a herd of lamas.
Pathetically voting Ukraine the best song when it was anything but, there is a huge petition to have the result annulled. Get a life! Well call it diversity if you want and equality for the less privileged/underdog/afflicted but Reality TV has obviously gone too far as have the oblivious Fabian Reich, Nazi Liberal Europe in general. Constantly kowtowing, appeasing and descending to the lowest common denominator to equalize (except them).
It is official; Australia is now in Europe, not that the song presented by Dami IM (Never heard of her) stood a chance. Only pervs and fur trade votes floated her way due to several tasteless up-skirt shots desperately displayed… um… ostensibly designed to show off the tailoring draped around this Korean singer. Yes, a European Korean from European Australia. We can’t wait for Bangladesh’s entry next year.
More banal than a country and western song where; ‘she ran off with a cowboy and blinded by tears he ran over the kids and the puppy’, the pish Ukraine song might as well have been about the Malaysian 777 that was shot down by Russian separatists – allegedly. Oh – it was? Obama with the Nobel Peace Prize just for breathing and now the Ukraine entry glorified. What a desperate arrogant bunch who rule us.
You never thought it possible but it was worse than Bahrain TV. Whoever directed this Euro garbage needs to learn the art. It ranks Amateur Ville Horror (as does the TV ads for Brussels Air). It was more amateur than CNN’s ludicrous zooms and ridiculous face turns to the camera as they incessantly promote their egomaniac under-par journalism. Not one single zoom-in shot of these ham artists was complementary yet the crowds cheered on and on…. and on. It proves the fodder of this world are firmly in control and now working in media. Martin Österdahl (never heard of him) was the Executive Producer and one can only assume by his name and umlauts that he is not Korean.
Minus the Windsor-knot, but perhaps sporting a jock strap, supposed comedienne (that’s a laugh for a start) and main host Swede Petra Mede Måns Zelmerlöw (never heard of her), oh wait – that’s two people, came out towering over her mousy little friend. Draped in coruscating (never heard of it) painter’s overalls, obviously covering lumpy Kevlar, she looked positively monstrous against her, by comparison wimpy looking co-host. Zelmerlöw apparently won the 2015 epic (never heard of it) with an equally naff attempt to rouse the Y fronts and mummy knickers off us – called ‘Heroes’. “We are the heroes of our time – dancing with demons in our minds”. Roget’s Rhyming dictionary has a lot to answer for.
Mede’s unfunny scripted, cornball, nonsensical, drily lines were read staccato from a crib card she so openly held. Rave revues and the moronic crowd cheered every single syllable and cried along with the Ukrainian winner as she took the stand for the biggest con in television this year.
What a bunch they were; Zaa Sanja Vucic from Serbia actually came on as a Korean dressed as Bat Woman. Bulgaria showed some pleasing looks draped in what appeared to be engine parts from a space ship as she whacked her legs in and out like a good cello player. A jiggy little song too, albeit wholly Turkish – who are NOT in Europe yet!
Jesus from Poland resurrected as Michat Szpak (never heard of him either and don’t try saying his name) literally displayed his tonsils. Choreographed by the Filipino band in the local hotel, he didn’t stand a chance with all that deep and meaningless hand motion obviously learned from the European Highway Code as did most of the other singers, especially ‘Bare’ from Spain. She would have passed her test first time. Mary had a little lamb, she also had a bear, we often saw her lamb, but never saw her bear.
Cyprus’s entry ‘Alter Ego’ by ‘Minus One’ (or was it the other way around) rocked along very nicely, but it was like watching the Muppets mimicking Def Leppard with less hair.
Then Hovi Star of Israel displayed his obsession and leanings as he pointlessly appeared in replica to Adam Lambert. Remember the brilliant Lambert made second place in the 2009 ‘American Idol’ but should have come first. Middle America would not have approved his pillow biting exploits in colour if he had (worse than Paris Hilton), all disclosed a week or two before the final. Fixed – of course! Now if Star had done the same, ‘let’s make everyone gay’ Europe must surely have voted him No.1. What a dilemma for the politics that would have been, so they might just as well ‘stayed home.

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – MAY 2016

A couple of worrying earthquakes, a Fly Dubai pilot error plane crash and the Oscars. It was a boring month for the Marxist media after the preceding months of plenty when Paris and Belgium were under attack and its everyone else’s fault. Headline news; ‘U2 Cancels Paris Concert’. Thankful for small mercies in such heinous times, ‘Paris Had Suffered Enough’ without that prat Bono adding his little red book philosophy. Bored out of their pseudo bolshie Trotsky wits Chris Rock almost lit the media up for the most innocuous and inane of remarks but rumour is he’s black and underprivileged and one of their luvvie boys anyway, so tread carefully. Other than that, we are led to believe that no one in Europe, UK or USA, made not even one racist remark, nor did we hear of a migrant being shot, so it was very quiet all round and utopia reigns. What mosques burning in Sweden are you talking about or the massive brawls between Syrians and Afghanis breaking out everywhere? How dare you suggest that our fair and balanced media are selective and manipulative with what they report?
Then the ‘Panama Papers’ upheaval. Someone you know or you know someone that knows someone who has an offshore stash and so what! This palaver is nothing more than a rather pathetic grab at any little thing to create division and champion this sea of so-called underprivileged. It is the hypocrisy of the polarized Left condemning dosh stashed abroad which they feel they should have having done nothing for it. Who wouldn’t invest tax-free if they could? It’s a bit like asking a native if they have ever been car-jacked at gunpoint in South Africa? Maybe not, but they will know someone who knows someone who knows someone who has been.
Those that have avoided tax will probably list a couple of million reasons why they did it anyway. One strong motive might be that If you have a few bob to spare why should you be forced to plough it back into a heavily laden immigrant society or warped socialist ideology which constantly hands out unending payments to the mindset who believe they are entitled to it just because you have money and they don’t! Dole hacks and breeders whose numbers increase by the coefficient of the number of penises in the neighbourhood every nine months. It is a dilemma, because the same politicians and party members think in parallel, having absolutely no compunction about spending ‘someone else’s’ money in order to court those masses purely to feed their ego and the subsequent vote and membership to the ‘Leg Over Club’. Eventually this growing blob will even overpower the offshore banks as the coefficient becomes so large that times ‘X’ equals an ever increasing minus figure.
Who the hell cares about what’s innocently in Panama? Get to the source of the funds if laundering; do something constructive and beneficial to law and order, not hit dudes who are just looking for a nifty savings account which the bloated socialists demand ‘give me – me – me’.
However, drives to bring the government down like this are expected from the least read Guardian ruled BBC, but it is a shock really to note that the once conservative Telegraph has stooped to poop. There’s something to be said for the tabloids, with page 3 and boobs in your porridge which is frankly better than all this endlessly vile and trivial posturing which is nothing more than sour grapes. Can we get back to; reports like in the ‘Gypsy Gazette’ such as; ‘Chap has vasectomy, thinking it would stop his wife getting pregnant, but all it did was change the colour of the baby’. Stories about incest are now ‘relatively’ boring so they don’t make headlines anymore either.
Yes, it is all very selective! One must ask the question; if luvvie J K Rowling had parked a few of her billions in an offshore tax haven of which she might well have, would the public chastise her? Of course not since she is worshipped by millions of ‘strange’ people who derive phenomenal pleasure from incomprehensible fairy tales. Among this odd bunch there is an army of seat sniffers competing to furnish her (pun) with even more millions just to buy the chair she apparently sat on while writing the Harry Potter series. Why else? Would the same number of enthusiasts buy David Cameron’s office chair? No! But exactly what is the difference?
What a score Cameron was for Corbyn, known to those close as Richard Head. ‘Gottcha’! Not really, but his victim speaks with an undetectable English dialect delivered grammatically perfect, so he must be bad. Sure, the Oxbridge lot deserve all they get when they lodge together like Illuminati gravity, but sometimes they are obliviously innocent.
Besides, who actually likes David Cameron? The likes of the ‘Huffington Post’ or ‘New York Times’ would protect Obama and his endearing treacle oozing weaknesses even if he was a Mafia hit man laundering zillions. It seems to be only Britain’s ridiculously bitter crony filled pseudo-intellectual media who loathe anything entrepreneurial and realistic.
Imagine, Sir Elton John and his side-back-kick David Furnish having funds out there? They have ostensibly been cavorting in a swimming pool of olive oil with other like-minded friends only to successfully have the media gagged about the exploit. The main essence of the story being Furnish’s huge unstoppable diamond cutter like boner as he recounted to someone his WD40 moment of the ménage à trois, but no mention of any funds in Panama so nothing to write about.

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – APRIL 2016

Contrary to what some might desire of this column, such as highlighting social inadequacies, championing Liberal gunk or promoting inanity for the sake of masking incompetence and browning one’s nose; well, this will never happen. However, should our beloved Über Führer wish it; ‘Can I warm your bed pan Sir’? He muttered while removing said lips from the inside of his master’s bellybutton, then the way of Jeremy Clarkson it goes. Surely that warrants another disclaimer block?

Alternatively, we could just repeat or regurgitated old jokes which you’ve all heard before. Such as; ‘I went to the zoo yesterday and to my surprise there were no animals, only a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu!’ Or; son asked dad what ‘gay’ means and dad replies that it means happy, to which the son asked; ‘Are you gay dad’? ‘No’ said dad; ‘I’m married’. (Don’t think about it too long).

Or err to ‘almost’ complete safety and try fruitlessly to convince billions that we are not alone. What with an abundance of methane found on Pluto recently we could get all jiggy and interestingly go scientific After all, it is obvious to anyone with half a brain that Pluto must have been ‘The Planet of the Cows’. (One cow farts more in an hour than a full Walmart cafeteria serving only baked beans).

Oh no, the ‘Great Conundrum’ is upon us, so we rant and put reality into perspective by highlighting the escalating deviance in power and the demise of competitive education with the ever increasing fit and healthy masses breeding kids up the ying-yang, with no means of supporting them – other than demanding the wholly appeasing better equipped to feed them, give them shelter and defend them. Now-now, who will begrudge a little nooky here and there, even if it means so many weeping into BBC and France 24 cameras bleating that their wives are 3 months pregnant having lived with absolutely no shelter or privacy, in the squalor of jungle migrant camps in Calais for 5 months? It sort of brings a whole new perspective to the trend of ‘dogging’.

‘This is life Jim, but not as we knew it’. A Marxist, a Marxist-Leninist and a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist took their seats in the European parliament; it was wonderful to see such a variety of attendees. Pseudo-equality ‘luvvie Illuminati ideology’ for self-inflated egos, cloaked narcissism and sex which champion morons NOT to better themselves. ‘How dare you say that? ‘Totally unacceptable. Vile!’ screams the BBC corridors, echoed by other infected media and almost all other clanspersons (Note: PC correct insert), but not the back page of ‘Bahrain This Month’ or Britain’s Daily Express, neither of which are owned by Murdoch (yet), so sit down at the back! This blind arrogant dismissal of all opposition has created a bubbling black-lash which will end in violent mayhem of catastrophic proportions.

Most of us are liberal, but not fascist rubber Trotskyites cloaked in sexually permissive totalitarianism which now has firm control over generations. History will label this era as ‘The Great Divide’ and whether religion or politics, this massive polarization is manifesting itself ever more volatile. Revolution or anarchy brought on by Liberals, a very dangerous so-called conciliatory movement steeped in emollient from the neck up and KY from the waist down.

Imagine Trump as President; we might see Russian troops sent to the U.S. as ‘peace-keepers’ – armed only with ‘plutonium teabags’ of course. Surely he will soon be bumped off by these so-called ‘peacefully passive’, loathing aggressive lefty Liberals with their pacifier removed.

It is all very well to pit videos of Obama’s forgiving retorts against Trump’s brashness of which the Internet is now full of. It only makes Trump stronger and Obama more wimp. Anti Trumper Hilaryites claim to be civilized passive (aggressive more like), but serial activists nonetheless and violent! Many passionately psychopathic, oozing charm as they pontificate that; ‘It is everyone one else’s fault but not ours’. Now where have we come across that before? The guilty get clean away nowadays, but factually, the majority of us feel there are no rights, thoughts or positive action for victims. Most support capital punishment but are not allowed to say it. Out of hand empathy is always directed at the perpetrator, molly coddled by warped human rights, brainwashed by agenda, unless of course the perp, mentioned Trump then it’s off to the Tower.

What was the covert back-hand fee for lamping Trump at his conventions my bruddah? Oh there is a lot more to come. The ludicrous rhetoric showered at Trump has him already instigating pogroms laced with heinous slaughter. We saw black people wading into Trump supporters with fists, course gob and boots blazing. Astonishingly whiter than white (Cough) Clinton and Bernie Saunders, both immediately took to the podiums and outrageously admonished Trump in every which way. They displayed the sincerity of Fred and Rosemary West or a ferocious female Black Window courting an impotent suitor while completely condoning the real violent culprits. What a farcical, (nodding as usual) face she made, but even her faithful dulled the applause because they were embarrassed by the reality. Wait! Then the other two Republican candidates jumped on the bandwagon. How can you trust politicians?

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – MARCH 2016

‘My Facebook password was cracked, now I have to change my birthday’. Duh! Don’t worry, the NSA, GCHQ, the Illuminati and no doubt Daésh will have already stored all your exploits, and rated your ‘intelligence cachet’ which is PC for dumbness. Yahoo is gasping its last breath and as big as it is, Facebook addiction will wane as does all other fads the moment something interestingly new and positively inane comes along. Quite what that might be is anyone’s guess but it won’t be a re-born ‘MySpace’ which actually required individual creativity.

With data bandwidths and speeds begging to get better, perhaps some web-based form of self-made tedious ‘Reality TV’ upload might struggle to emerge; that is if our friendly politicians don’t continue to try and ban everything; which questions the very soul and purpose of a smart-phone in the first place. Maybe those will be banned too and Bahrain will have its own unique identity like Cuba, where cars from the 1950s are the only vehicles and we will be toddling around with an old 1994 Nokia 232 refurbished forever. At risk of thoroughly offending our deluded great friends, nice people and dear colleagues in the broadcast media; let’s face it, in Bahrain we really have such nonexistent broadcast platforms drowned by blind incompetence so what else can we do? Then again, in utter despair there’s nonsensical talk of un-clarified laws being introduced, if not already in place, “Banning the upload of video and audio”. So what, we can still log on to Facebook, Instagram or whatever, but only as voyeurs?

Google + is out as that is the great failure which we are all forced to join but so few ever use. Facebook has overtaken entire lives, but at least you and only you are responsible for exposing yourself on it, whereas Google + exposes your entire life to the world if you don’t disable the automatic upload and share buttons which you had no idea about and which are set to ‘on’ by default. It eats your bandwidth as saucy ‘selfies’, tasteless ‘Whatsapp’ exchanges, kinks and classifieds are Androided to the cloud with you utterly oblivious. Data harvesting in full swing, your profile has been established and depending what pix were posted on Google +, ‘targeted advertising’ pushes you a message offering you an Anne Summers enlargement kit or worse.

‘Behind every successful person there’s a deactivated Facebook account’. Endless regurgitation of the same videos and banners and you get possessive and post; ‘I already posted that last year’, as if you were the intellectual and originator! Inane comments and pictures of your breakfast gets 250 likes, but post a riveting, well-crafted missive about psychopaths in our midst and only your sister gives you a single like. Low self-esteem, depression, even suicide could prevail. ‘Death by Facebook’ will be written into law within the next ten years for sure. Besides, before Social Media, did we ever photograph what we were about to eat, then run around and get the film developed making 2,000 copies and sending the picture off to all your friends? Umm…..no!

Then on a roll with your wit or compassion, like a berk you respond to a friend’s post without reading the previous comments. Sadly 40 other friends just posted exactly the same thing before you. Not to offend, each receives a ‘like’ of course.

‘What kills you makes you stronger’. Ugh? Even amoeba has a voice because some illogical collection of words perceived to be cognitive were posted elsewhere so it must be right, so share it! ‘Wow, all my friends had birthdays this year’. Really, what about next year? Then there’s the deluded brave heart; ‘oo really fancies this geezer’ so posts; ‘I love sniffing ‘iz colon when ‘ee comes in the room, I fink its Brut’ Thankfully millions of animal lover videos make up for the dirge and wealth of bad grammar, spelling and otiose Facebook content which we are all addicted to. To remove yourself from this inanity sees cold turkey-virtual isolation set in. Your assumed importance to life soon nags – so log-on you must. But, as the smarter among us disable our Facebook accounts this targeted advertising will still be pushing new caravan accessories to the trailer park brigade or special offers for Walmart intellectuals and Zuckerberg will still be a godzillionaire .

The ‘who’s been looking at you’ feature has yet to be implemented on Facebook deliberately (Linkedin do it for a fee), otherwise all the virtual perving of your pix would stop. Yes, Facebook can be cruel and lonely too if you have so few friends and Facebook keeps reminding you. Then, when no amount of make-up is going to cut the mustard, as in this wall post from someone called Sharron.
Darren Smith: ‘You look sexy…’
Sharron: ‘Thank you Dad’.

OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – FEBRUARY – 2016

As rare as a second hand coffin, you are about to read a very serious column indeed. It has never been more serious and we mean serious as we speak of your hard earned cash which is about to be whisked away from you as payment for your basic needs.

Sure, something has to be done but it is a vicious circle and if gambling were legal, go for the kill, bet your entire life’s savings that your boss will not increase your salary to compensate. Oh my God! Within a few months, there might be no expatriates here to read this column. Don’t worry; you would not have missed anything, because the writer of the same will be two perk cheeks going yonder. Gonski! Most of us having no choice but to saddle up.

We can’t win can we? Some survey banded about on the news channels during January, stated that about 10 people in the world possess more wealth than the combined amount held by the rest of us plebs in their billions with sod all and piggy banks which echo louder than the Grand Canyon; add it all up and still it doesn’t match the pile that some like George Soros and his cocktail friends have stashed in Swiss banks. Digging Karl Marx up is looking ever more favorable.

Well ahead of its time, a new joke was posted on-line early last year and goes something like:
The phones are ringing across Arabia – this French-accented lady can be heard to say; ‘Your days of reckless spending on all and sundry and gadgets made by others are over’!
‘Who is this’?
‘Christine’. Then completely to the contrary, France 24 and the BBC slip in a report that the IMF has stated that low oil prices are a blight on the world. Are we all mere pawns in this big game? Conspiracy – how very dare you?

Let’s go back a few decades. Allegedly crime didn’t happen much and because there were vastly less people the odds of winning the ‘football pools’ much greater. Now it is the lottery and you have two chances of winning that; a dog’s chance and no chance at all! It is the very same with endowment and insurance policies with benefits. When oil prices were very low, most of us could bank on good returns with our investments. Are they related – who knows?

Do not get confused with financial institutions which handle billionaire’s funds. They NEVER LOSE! For the past couple of decades, well-known names with huge assets send out their ‘commission based’, well suited robots to court us the plebs, bombarding us with smooth talk, having plied Linkedin and any other social media to gain a ‘first name’ and telephone number to call, ever hopeful of securing a punter to invest in managed funds with massive returns. These days, they are as fictitious as a Nigerian scam, but we are all so desperate to survive so try what we believe to be honest and legitimate channels to enhance our own small spoils. However, those managing your personal funds are shameless. It is a vile culture that has spread through financial institutions, some of which have been bailed out only to repeat their sins all over.

After faithfully investing for 20 or 25 years many are presented with the cruel reality that the return is far less than deposited. You are hoping for a pension or nest egg reasonable enough to live on. To your surprise, you find that had you put your money in an old mattress and thrown it on a land-fill, you would have gained more. You would not have paid gross amounts of commissions to highfalutin suits parading around expensive offices claiming film star salaries each of which has done absolutely zero for you. During the 90s this behaviour was rife with people losing half their savings or more and no recourse to the law. The British government stepped in and under duress ordered a pittance in compensation (but were sparse with the publicity), which the banks and insurance companies challenged as if hard done by, but had to pay out as they sniggered at the penance. Isn’t this why we pay those commissions for them to ‘manage’ our money?

It should be a law and strict law at that, that investment, insurance, banks and the like who offer these endowment policies should clearly state by audit, exactly how much they made during your 20 odd year slog, compared to your own payout and match it. They might state their commissions if asked, but they never reveal how they used ‘YOUR’ money to make far more than you get in return.
One might even be inclined to call it ‘fraud’, but we couldn’t possibly say that could we?
See now! You were warned that the column was serious this month!

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