OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – SEPTEMBER 2016
There is nothing more inaccurate than the notion that ‘English is the international language’. It is NOT English, it is a concoction of ‘pidgin’ droppings and bad grammar which is fine and dandy in conversation or buying something in a shop but it should be kept well away from influential broadcast/media, schools or nannies for that matter. Why is gold so precious? Well, it takes a large population of millions to produce just one artistic genius or any vocation for that matter, but when there is no perceived qualification required for the intangible arts or product, then standards disintegrate to dust eventually. Advertising (an art) and broadcasting (an art) in all its forms in Bahrain and across the region so often produces hideous embarrassment. “FEELING STATION NOW OPEN” – sounds like an interesting place. Sing song news readers and old but gold; ‘A navy jet crashed in the North Sea this afternoon but the pilot ejaculated to safety’, well lucky him. We have presenters, spieling nonsensical garbage and zero content respectively about the time and frequency aimed at 5 year-olds. Welcome to Bahrain. It wasn’t like this 25 years ago.
Sadly, awareness is near zero too. Huge banners on every lamppost proclaiming; ‘NEWER AIRCRAFTS”, shop signs with “WELCOM ENGLISH SPORKEN HERE” – “KNOW BARKING ON BAYMUNT” and newspaper classifieds; “SOFA AND BED SHIT FOR SELLING”. Familiar? We even have ‘MILF TAILORING’? Now the mind boggles. It is not just Bahrain;BUT WE SHOULD BE RISING ABOVE THIS with so much more pride. That is difficult when a huge chunk of the population are expatriates many of which can’t write their own language let alone speak a modicum of Arabic or English.
There is not a mother tongue English speaker who understands what ‘brosted’ means, but whatever it is they do it to chickens. The British or American DO NOT ‘avail’ themselves of anything except in a massage parlour perhaps- and please don’t call us ‘pumpkins’ with your endless pishy, same script radio commercials. This bastardized English is all over the world, on every street and in all households now, with the Indian accent the most dominant. How quick was that? It was just a short decade ago, that only the dexterous Dutch spoke English fluently enough for commerce, without the aid of American movies. The British were so grateful especially if they just shouted louder to be understood in foreign countries. The rest of world were still singing Frère Jacques and struggling with ‘Dick and Dora’. Fortunately, most Bahrainis speak an amount of English and the Arabic flavor compared to some country accents is quite pleasing to hear ‘in conversation’, especially soft-spoken female.
At great risk of shattering the egos and delusions of some of the nicest guys one could meet – having this heavy accented farrago broadcast-pumped into one’s ears by the likes of the BBC or our own local radio and TV, generally and tediously tires one out as quaint as it sometimes sounds. The ‘IFOLD TOWWER’ and ‘ION FISHER’ sort of have a ring to them. The appalling IVR systems (Interactive Voice Response) are just atrocious, but nobody cares or perceives it as bad and culprits innocently can’t hear themselves. Conversely, a foreign presenter speaking broken Arabic has more chance of Stealing Mozart’s Yamaha synthesizer from the back seat of his Lamborghini in a shopping mall, than being accepted to broadcast on an Arabic channel. So why torture the English?
We now have Radio Bahrain amateurishly advertising on its own airwaves for DJs and presenters, knowing full well they mean only Bahraini need apply. This will not improve quality, professionalism or bring the art to any perceived standard ‘to aspire to’ whatsoever. In fact, having to advertise for talent on your own airwaves, is totally unheard of and unethical anywhere else and really does depict the level of absent professionalism.
All major countries have ‘professional’ English channels with native language speakers anchoring. It is all for international ‘POLITICAL CREDIBILITY’, not just because a few expats are resident. If there is to be an English language station, then hire proficient, professional, “talented” English speakers (of any nationality) and stop all the inept jingoism.
Bottom line; slick professionalism and boodles of content are what’s needed to create something to aspire to, not more mumbo jumbo, which so few listen to, especially with the might of the Internet crushing radio and TV to insignificance if it doesn’t compete at extraordinary levels of competence. Sadly, there is about as much chance of attaining such a desired mature platform here as seeing a transgender toilet installed in the City Centre.
Radio Bahrain was a tower in its heyday (not a towwer), until that fell down one day – and loved to death with an air of freedom and wellbeing and fabulous for tourism. But wannabe amateurs and wholly incompetents, flying the National Flag, given gauche positions in authority reigned. Naturally intimidated by the few sitting competent they gradually committed a sort of genocide, cleaning out any potential threats. It is now an oblivious embarrassment so just close it down if you can’t provide the goods.
OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – SEPTEMBER 2015
The world’s troubles cause fallout everywhere and despite rosy editorial, many of us know the reality with business being so bad we’re heading to Calais. There’s an old joke which goes; ‘When I was a kid, I prayed everyday asking God for a new bicycle, but my mentors kept telling me that it doesn’t work that way and the Good Lord offers redemption to those who seek forgiveness. So I stole the bicycle and asked him to forgive me’. Society at large appears to have adopted this mantra demanding everything be given to them on a plate, and then blame anything and everything else but themselves when it doesn’t happen. Oh! That’s a bit like terrorism in reverse. And then there’s always the housemaid if all else fails.
Where does the blame lie? Our assumed utterly polarized society and politics today muddles through, but we are in a mess to say the least and the big sort out is just around the corner. There are some very cruel people in the world but as for being polarized, well this is fiction and merely the imperious politicians creating this ideology as ‘divide and rule’. Deluded of course, but one hopes the reality is that most of us think much the same. You know; have humanitarian hearts, believes cabbage is good for you, don’t eat children, love animals, hang murderers and anyone who shoots a lion or goes to dog fights. After all, politicians are the only ones to reject capital punishment fearing one less vote. However, try to physically take our money and see what happens. Absolutely nothing in this world is free so Governments giving aid to third world countries is merely a bribe but perceived as ok and not your own dosh, but if someone knocks at your door asking for a couple of grand to feed Africa, you’ll tell them to give Bob Geldof a call, that he has plenty and you bought the CD to prove it.
As Margret Thatcher said; ‘The problem with socialism is that; ‘Eventually, you run out of other people’s money’. (See the hate mail that that generated. It’s a good job Facebook wasn’t around then or we might well have had organized troll terrorism financed by Russell Brand’s publicist). Brainwashing British politics could be blamed for European ideology now or perhaps it is something to do with the English language which has spread all over the world in all its forms, much of it with an Indian accent, so maybe it wasn’t the advent of television after all. Just like communism this big Fabian-Marxist trip since the 60s is heading for a major disaster but egocentric politicians polarize in their endless endeavour to be noticed and just like Hitler, employ YouTube like thugs to get the ball rolling; trolls who spread verbal hate knowing full well that the masses believe everything they read half the time – if they can read that is.
More than a few say there really is no difference between all parties or politicians and absolutely ‘all’ politician are driven by their alter ego. Look at Gordon Brown, an unelected Prime Minister who didn’t want to go. Knock knock! ‘Whose there’? ‘David’! ‘David who? ‘David Cameron, get out of my house’. With their only qualification being able to memorize ‘yuckspeak’ catchphrases, it has to be the alter ego, because that’s the bits that stay hidden, but underneath it all it is this massive ego bigger than Bono’s which drives them.
The hedonistic Greeks invented democracy according to the Greeks and the Greek word for ‘I’ is ‘Ego’, so maybe they are to blame for everything. Let’s rest our case here. Baroness Thatcher will be turning in her grave quoting Churchillisms; ‘Never have so few paid so much for so many who won’t take care of themselves’. Why would you, if there is always someone else ready to cough up? Surprisingly, of David Cameron’s ‘swarms of immigrants plying the channel’, how many are Greeks? None for three reasons; they don’t need visas, Greeks like Greece better and they hold the world record for bank holidays.
Still, apart from Greece, the so-called socialists are out now. In Britain, they’re running around like ‘edless chickens with both Miliband and Balls gone. As one party member said; ‘There’s a sense of great loss over Balls’. For sure, the tomcat next door had the same feeling coming back from the vets the other day. Laughable, Harriot Harmon, says she doesn’t want to be Prime Minister; well the feeling is very mutual.