OLD MAN’S RANT – No. 28 – MAY 2017
OLD MAN’S RANT – No.28 MAY 2017
‘Dag the wog’, with Spoonerism beauty utters Betty our now revealed source of sourness. But then again, she is dyslexic or she’d write her own column. On agreeing that ‘Wag the Dog’ is very much a reality right now, and by the way they’ve found a cure for dyslexia, she says’ ‘Well that’s music to my arse’.
Well, if nothing else, we’ve always been well ahead and pretty much spot on in this column even if that ‘epiphany’ moment never quite reaches a climax. Of course, rather than read it, many would rather administer mouth to mouth on a dying cockroach, but hey!
In absolute denial, the stud clad, dope smoking programmed masses have gone completely delirious and now regurgitating media scaremongering with ‘World War III’ chants. ‘Oh poor despotic North Korea’, or any other totalitarian murderous state; ‘Trump is such a bully’, they cough up like an owl pellet (Trump had no idea). Nation after nation gather in swooning awe and blindly elect wannabe dictators, crooks or imbeciles (and it was a close shave with Hillary). Don’t forget, Hitler was ostensibly ‘voted’ into power. The ‘sheeple’ who allow themselves to be manipulated by these – um… ‘elected charlatans’ are far and wide and they all suffer from ‘Thought constipation’. Yes, a cull is necessary but how we ‘legally’ do that is debatable. Educational reform is contaminated, so let’s perhaps experiment with a new herbal remedy that ‘clears’ one’s mind. Test rats display remarkable genius after ingesting the ominous and very popular flower ‘Clitoria Ternatea’ which is now in full bloom. On viewing the flower, many might yearn to take it orally post haste, though the less perverted simply make tea with it or possibly smoke it. It’s very easy to fathom what Darwin was thinking when he first named it. Well the essence of this ‘Asian pigeonwings’ (Darwin pea) has an ‘Antihyperglycemic’ effect; which not only shifts constipation, it has beneficial organ supplements too. Hmmm!
This unforgivable, out of control, agenda soaked, media causes most of the world’s stupidity -and the ludicrously left, gay, Fabian, debauched (did we miss anything?) BBC, CNN et al are frightening the living crap out of their flock with the imaginary apocalypse. Oh don’t worry and no need to don your tin helmets yet, for suddenly, after a bout of flu, nuclear breasted Kim Kardashian, wearing skin tight nothing is spotted leaving her house riding, or more like smothering a rather tiny camel. At least 40 kilos appears to have shifted from her waist to her well-rounded buttocks – and suddenly there’s not a care in the world – war over, peace and tranquillity reigns. To top that, Bill O’Reilly was pushed from Fox News, so the luvvie brigade were on fire. CNN headlined that story faster than a cheetah with diarrhea. Serena Williams discovered she was 52 weeks pregnant and she nor anybody else noticed. Then to keep North Korea out of the picture indefinitely, Illuminati shepherd Beyonce, or ‘Bey’ to her sheep (puke), is also 5 minutes away from the drop zone and Maria Carey was seen swaying in as wet-nurse. This tranquillity will ensue until after the British elections, so you still have time to empty supermarket shelves and build an underground shelter and fill it with canned baked beans and rice.
Even the glut of ‘United’ jokes didn’t stop the saber rattling. Sadly, the American media would not have appreciated one of the funniest slaps at the airline, that being a ‘Ryan Air’ crew trying to drag a passenger ‘onto’ one of their planes. Talk about ‘Stretcher seats’ now in United economy, which is worse; a Chinaman being dragged off a 70 seat Embraer 170, or you sardined into a Far Eastern equivalent crammed with 140 seats in the same space? The average sized European man emerges from a Chinese flight speaking in a very high voice and completely sterilized.
Maybe we should just drop all this political piss-taking and just create our own TMZ type column depicting Bahrain’s privileged. You can image the editorial from our jail cell:
“There it was, the elite of Formula 1 displaying copious drool as the glamour of Naomi Campbell strutted the paddock having voluntarily not eaten since March – along with Enrique packing a garden hose. Those with more skeletal wallets only managed the brilliantly perfect Tom Jones concert just beforehand. Thoughtful organizers installing substantially large fans right of stage to parachute flying objects away from the artist, thus avoiding any parliamentary antagonism. Ex Radio Bahrain DJs could be seen mingling with the estrogen set desperately trying to persuade them to part with their panties; only this time so they could pointlessly throw them at Jones. All this excitement and nobody noticed another 80s movie star Linda Lovelace who was in Bahrain judging a sausage contest just down the road”.
Talking of which, let’s not forget the imminent demise of Radio Bahrain in our imaginary showbiz rag. It has been easier to sell time-share on the moon than effective advertising on that for the past 20 years. No surprise, for understanding sign language or brail is a breeze compared to the on-air verbal dyslexia we endure these days. Yes, A TMZ Bahrain might have merit.
SOAP BOX FOR THE OLD NO. 7 – AUGUST 2015
[As featured in Bahrain This Month August 2015]
Bless buxomly Politically Correct good old U.S. of A which still celebrates experience and allows the very old to keep their jobs until they drop. Veteran radio broadcasters are propped up daily; TV announcers might get cosmetic surgery allowance, unlike the BBC who keep the ancient on for other reasons Jimmy; ask Rolf. Fly any American airline and you’ll be forgiven for thinking (the late) Cayetana Fitz is pushing the trolley. Flying to Kuwait recently, there was a party atmosphere on board as the youngest member of the crew celebrated her 70th birthday. Passengers are taught CPR in case they need to resuscitate the crew and all died happily ever after. Working relics maybe, but it makes us proud!
This column has previously covered the notion that some upstarts in today’s political arena across Britain and Europe wish to intangibly exterminate old people. It is not some organized secret plot to gas us all or anything like (allegedly), but a desire to put us out to pasture in that great abstract concentration camp in the void by removing our vote and critique. ‘The Village of the Damned’ is not a patch on the reality and the older among us are shocked at the controlled, adverse, fascist liberalism which has subliminally besieged nations in the last few decades with none now allowed to question or dare say mock it humorously or otherwise.
Let’s consider all things deemed ‘offensive’ nowadays – cultural stabs unacceptable, Irish jokes no longer kosher; gay jokes criminal. This generation of weirdo Fabians now curtailing society’s freedoms and gagging every utterance have not as yet condemned Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, claiming it offensive to infertile women or impotent men who have no kids, but it is coming. Old folk are still good for a hit, but there really are only two main-stream avenues of humour, one is sexual or crude, the other considered racist. Grandma has no idea what you are talking about when you tell a dirty joke, if you even dare, while Granddad’s still trying to lip read. Young people have a burning question for senior citizens and that is; ‘Do you still do it’? Well go ahead and ask any old couple if they have sexual relations and the most likely response would be; ‘I think we do, but we haven’t heard from them in years, they are probably dead’; like the gist of the question. Feigned pseudo offense is now endemic for the smallest slight. Gladly, Bahrainis couldn’t give a rat’s nipple and tell some crackers. With culture and language entwined, oddly, some large nations appear to be near humourless. Nonetheless, appeasement will win the day and humour will be removed from society. With its rapidly changing façade, one suspects Canada will be the first without realising it, dismissing the notion that Germany has already acquired such sophistication.
These days the ancient among us are confused when pre-emptive apologies spew forth before someone tells a joke. Racist jibe is endemic across cultures but Fabians choose denial. Societies can still legally tell jokes about themselves, but many refute jibes from others because that is considered ‘racist’ never mind the only difference being the post code. Some jibes are hilarious but old codgers over 70 don’t understand. Ask your granddad why he should be very nervous of a white man in prison; he’d just look dumfounded at you. ‘So why’? ‘Well you know for sure he did it! Such sarcasm is still legal but not if the other way around. But then, it wouldn’t be funny would it?
More than half the world is not so liberal and as much as the BBC and their clones have pushed it down our throats so to speak, still older folk don’t refer to homosexuals as being ‘gay’; this hijacked word used in this context is double Dutch to them, so old Joe inadvertently and ‘innocently’ breaks the law by casually introducing his gay friend as being ‘batty’ or a ‘jobby jabber’. Likewise, with so many ‘fashionably outted’ lesbians in parliaments across Europe and Britain and indeed now heading up big industry, sporting a Windsor knot , heaven forbid a Green Party member peddling her way to work and being referred to as a ‘dyke on a bike’. That would surely mean prison, albeit it being said in blissful ignorance.
Still, reminiscing the old now banned Alf Garnett days or ‘It ‘Aint Half Hot Mum’, is all one has really when age cripples, because nothing is ever going to get physically better and utopia pure fantasy – as with sexual prowess. But joke about old age is still legal? A wife asking her husband to be romantic again and to give her those old love bites of ownership she once protested were unsightly; so hubby agrees and goes to the bathroom to get his teeth.