OLD MAN’S RANT – No. 28 – MAY 2017
OLD MAN’S RANT – No.28 MAY 2017
‘Dag the wog’, with Spoonerism beauty utters Betty our now revealed source of sourness. But then again, she is dyslexic or she’d write her own column. On agreeing that ‘Wag the Dog’ is very much a reality right now, and by the way they’ve found a cure for dyslexia, she says’ ‘Well that’s music to my arse’.
Well, if nothing else, we’ve always been well ahead and pretty much spot on in this column even if that ‘epiphany’ moment never quite reaches a climax. Of course, rather than read it, many would rather administer mouth to mouth on a dying cockroach, but hey!
In absolute denial, the stud clad, dope smoking programmed masses have gone completely delirious and now regurgitating media scaremongering with ‘World War III’ chants. ‘Oh poor despotic North Korea’, or any other totalitarian murderous state; ‘Trump is such a bully’, they cough up like an owl pellet (Trump had no idea). Nation after nation gather in swooning awe and blindly elect wannabe dictators, crooks or imbeciles (and it was a close shave with Hillary). Don’t forget, Hitler was ostensibly ‘voted’ into power. The ‘sheeple’ who allow themselves to be manipulated by these – um… ‘elected charlatans’ are far and wide and they all suffer from ‘Thought constipation’. Yes, a cull is necessary but how we ‘legally’ do that is debatable. Educational reform is contaminated, so let’s perhaps experiment with a new herbal remedy that ‘clears’ one’s mind. Test rats display remarkable genius after ingesting the ominous and very popular flower ‘Clitoria Ternatea’ which is now in full bloom. On viewing the flower, many might yearn to take it orally post haste, though the less perverted simply make tea with it or possibly smoke it. It’s very easy to fathom what Darwin was thinking when he first named it. Well the essence of this ‘Asian pigeonwings’ (Darwin pea) has an ‘Antihyperglycemic’ effect; which not only shifts constipation, it has beneficial organ supplements too. Hmmm!
This unforgivable, out of control, agenda soaked, media causes most of the world’s stupidity -and the ludicrously left, gay, Fabian, debauched (did we miss anything?) BBC, CNN et al are frightening the living crap out of their flock with the imaginary apocalypse. Oh don’t worry and no need to don your tin helmets yet, for suddenly, after a bout of flu, nuclear breasted Kim Kardashian, wearing skin tight nothing is spotted leaving her house riding, or more like smothering a rather tiny camel. At least 40 kilos appears to have shifted from her waist to her well-rounded buttocks – and suddenly there’s not a care in the world – war over, peace and tranquillity reigns. To top that, Bill O’Reilly was pushed from Fox News, so the luvvie brigade were on fire. CNN headlined that story faster than a cheetah with diarrhea. Serena Williams discovered she was 52 weeks pregnant and she nor anybody else noticed. Then to keep North Korea out of the picture indefinitely, Illuminati shepherd Beyonce, or ‘Bey’ to her sheep (puke), is also 5 minutes away from the drop zone and Maria Carey was seen swaying in as wet-nurse. This tranquillity will ensue until after the British elections, so you still have time to empty supermarket shelves and build an underground shelter and fill it with canned baked beans and rice.
Even the glut of ‘United’ jokes didn’t stop the saber rattling. Sadly, the American media would not have appreciated one of the funniest slaps at the airline, that being a ‘Ryan Air’ crew trying to drag a passenger ‘onto’ one of their planes. Talk about ‘Stretcher seats’ now in United economy, which is worse; a Chinaman being dragged off a 70 seat Embraer 170, or you sardined into a Far Eastern equivalent crammed with 140 seats in the same space? The average sized European man emerges from a Chinese flight speaking in a very high voice and completely sterilized.
Maybe we should just drop all this political piss-taking and just create our own TMZ type column depicting Bahrain’s privileged. You can image the editorial from our jail cell:
“There it was, the elite of Formula 1 displaying copious drool as the glamour of Naomi Campbell strutted the paddock having voluntarily not eaten since March – along with Enrique packing a garden hose. Those with more skeletal wallets only managed the brilliantly perfect Tom Jones concert just beforehand. Thoughtful organizers installing substantially large fans right of stage to parachute flying objects away from the artist, thus avoiding any parliamentary antagonism. Ex Radio Bahrain DJs could be seen mingling with the estrogen set desperately trying to persuade them to part with their panties; only this time so they could pointlessly throw them at Jones. All this excitement and nobody noticed another 80s movie star Linda Lovelace who was in Bahrain judging a sausage contest just down the road”.
Talking of which, let’s not forget the imminent demise of Radio Bahrain in our imaginary showbiz rag. It has been easier to sell time-share on the moon than effective advertising on that for the past 20 years. No surprise, for understanding sign language or brail is a breeze compared to the on-air verbal dyslexia we endure these days. Yes, A TMZ Bahrain might have merit.
OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – DECEMBER 2016
Happy National Day! What a wonderfully glittering consideration afforded to cosmopolitan Bahrain, so close to the commeth of Christmas and the time for gifts, drunken parties and New Year wishes with predictions. With Hillary now extinct, new born girl’s birth certificates are hurriedly being changed to Milania, her being one among the most well-formed and beautiful women of the world. Yet the main-stream media continues its suicidal, hideously biased and often petty quest at an astonishing rate and Social Media is choking itself. Still, Obama will probably be the second most popular name – over Mohammed in countries like the UK and across Europe while the name ‘George’ is gaining popularity within the Middle East. We will probably discover new Indian cold stores somewhere in the Universe and Gary Glitter will be released from jail and join the Vatican. Talking of which, on his first day in prison, his cell-mate asked him why his trousers looked so small, to which Glitter replied; ‘They’re not mine’.
With Trump in, many will be depressed and some on medication under the doctor, or on top in the case of Bill. Boldly and commendably, The Donald has offered olive branches, but one suspects there will be no marriage made in heaven between him and many of his own party, especially Mitt (The Mormon – that’s MORMON) Romney. It will be more akin to the tender love expressed between two gays with haemorrhoids.
Trump’s victory was a blatant public reaction, a kick in the media’s teeth. ‘CNN’ were and still are on massive doses of Viagra for Hillary as if inciting a violent uprising. They are not alone; ‘France 24’ openly express consolation for rioters and so it goes. The arrogance is seemingly divine for they never learn. Despite their bloody noses, the BBC high among them, the absolutely pathetic CNN (along with the rest), are not so subliminally wishing for a Donald Trump fatality in the new year; that in between bleating on and on about the heathen Brexiteers. After all, if Donald Trump was such the misogynist, fornicator and grabber of parts the others cannot reach, as he has been ‘falsely’ vilified to be – and actually does get whacked (God forbid), then imagine the queue of inadequates grabbing the bits listed on his ‘donor card’. He can’t win either way. If he’d saved the life of a drowning lady by administering CPR, she’d have him in court for pressing on her angina. What a lynch story that would be for the scurrilous, cesspit media.
Talk about indoctrination; even Pidgin English speakers (that will be the rest of the world then) have learned a new word; ‘misogynist’. No, not only can’t they say it properly, they don’t know what it means, but for the record it goes something like; ‘If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $10 a minute’.
Media and advertising in the Gulf is generally so bland, so poor, so biased, so sycophantic and just inane food for the masses, thus the temperate laureates among us take little notice. It is pretty much the same in the rest of the world these days. Each platform or newspaper regurgitate the same old agenda, picking on flaccid nothingness desperate to generate a reaction. As with the giant ego of pop stars and actors who will do absolutely anything for attention, even commit suicide (we wish! Sit down at the back Mr.Limbaugh).
Enter a smattering of smut. If the column began with a gripping story line such as; “I felt shattered, it had been a trying day on the catwalk. I showered and crawled into bed, leaving my bra and panties scattered about the floor. Knowing my fiancé would return any time, I was comfortable and switched off the light. I was asleep as soon as my feet hit the pillow. Suddenly I was awakened by the sound of shuffling coming from the passage. I was drowsy, I tried to focus, I felt vulnerable as I fumbled for the side light; and there he was, this towering three-legged Negro’. Just sayin’.
In fact to improve the old hacks standards, we introduced Betty a couple of months back and she is still on probation. However, she inadvertently left her locker door open and we noticed hanging inside was a nurse’s outfit, a French Maid’s costume and to our disbelief even a police woman’s uniform. Well Mr. Middleton (Chairman) is right to assume that if she can’t hold a job down, how long is she going to last here?
So where do we go now? During ‘Obama’s last stand’ back in April, when addressing the smug faces of the journalists fraternity at the “White House Correspondents’ Dinner Roast”; ‘Roast’ being the double entendre, the hacks were mega confident that Hillary would walk it. Nonchalantly swinging his head to one side, Obama came out with; ‘Journalism is a respected trade and often requires bravery, integrity and putting oneself on the line. And then there’s CNN’! Jeers! Obama was almost funny as he praised Michelle saying that; ‘Imagine Trump as President with his First Lady sitting where Michelle is now. It’s anyone’s guess who she will be…but…’ to hoots of laughter. Imagine Trump coming back at him with; ‘Don’t worry, Michelle is being replaced by an immigrant’.
Next month; “The Great Showbiz Migration to Karnataka…. Sorry Kanada… tch! CANADA!!! The land that wants to ban farting and all reference to it. You just can’t wait!