OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – SEPTEMBER 2016
There is nothing more inaccurate than the notion that ‘English is the international language’. It is NOT English, it is a concoction of ‘pidgin’ droppings and bad grammar which is fine and dandy in conversation or buying something in a shop but it should be kept well away from influential broadcast/media, schools or nannies for that matter. Why is gold so precious? Well, it takes a large population of millions to produce just one artistic genius or any vocation for that matter, but when there is no perceived qualification required for the intangible arts or product, then standards disintegrate to dust eventually. Advertising (an art) and broadcasting (an art) in all its forms in Bahrain and across the region so often produces hideous embarrassment. “FEELING STATION NOW OPEN” – sounds like an interesting place. Sing song news readers and old but gold; ‘A navy jet crashed in the North Sea this afternoon but the pilot ejaculated to safety’, well lucky him. We have presenters, spieling nonsensical garbage and zero content respectively about the time and frequency aimed at 5 year-olds. Welcome to Bahrain. It wasn’t like this 25 years ago.
Sadly, awareness is near zero too. Huge banners on every lamppost proclaiming; ‘NEWER AIRCRAFTS”, shop signs with “WELCOM ENGLISH SPORKEN HERE” – “KNOW BARKING ON BAYMUNT” and newspaper classifieds; “SOFA AND BED SHIT FOR SELLING”. Familiar? We even have ‘MILF TAILORING’? Now the mind boggles. It is not just Bahrain;BUT WE SHOULD BE RISING ABOVE THIS with so much more pride. That is difficult when a huge chunk of the population are expatriates many of which can’t write their own language let alone speak a modicum of Arabic or English.
There is not a mother tongue English speaker who understands what ‘brosted’ means, but whatever it is they do it to chickens. The British or American DO NOT ‘avail’ themselves of anything except in a massage parlour perhaps- and please don’t call us ‘pumpkins’ with your endless pishy, same script radio commercials. This bastardized English is all over the world, on every street and in all households now, with the Indian accent the most dominant. How quick was that? It was just a short decade ago, that only the dexterous Dutch spoke English fluently enough for commerce, without the aid of American movies. The British were so grateful especially if they just shouted louder to be understood in foreign countries. The rest of world were still singing Frère Jacques and struggling with ‘Dick and Dora’. Fortunately, most Bahrainis speak an amount of English and the Arabic flavor compared to some country accents is quite pleasing to hear ‘in conversation’, especially soft-spoken female.
At great risk of shattering the egos and delusions of some of the nicest guys one could meet – having this heavy accented farrago broadcast-pumped into one’s ears by the likes of the BBC or our own local radio and TV, generally and tediously tires one out as quaint as it sometimes sounds. The ‘IFOLD TOWWER’ and ‘ION FISHER’ sort of have a ring to them. The appalling IVR systems (Interactive Voice Response) are just atrocious, but nobody cares or perceives it as bad and culprits innocently can’t hear themselves. Conversely, a foreign presenter speaking broken Arabic has more chance of Stealing Mozart’s Yamaha synthesizer from the back seat of his Lamborghini in a shopping mall, than being accepted to broadcast on an Arabic channel. So why torture the English?
We now have Radio Bahrain amateurishly advertising on its own airwaves for DJs and presenters, knowing full well they mean only Bahraini need apply. This will not improve quality, professionalism or bring the art to any perceived standard ‘to aspire to’ whatsoever. In fact, having to advertise for talent on your own airwaves, is totally unheard of and unethical anywhere else and really does depict the level of absent professionalism.
All major countries have ‘professional’ English channels with native language speakers anchoring. It is all for international ‘POLITICAL CREDIBILITY’, not just because a few expats are resident. If there is to be an English language station, then hire proficient, professional, “talented” English speakers (of any nationality) and stop all the inept jingoism.
Bottom line; slick professionalism and boodles of content are what’s needed to create something to aspire to, not more mumbo jumbo, which so few listen to, especially with the might of the Internet crushing radio and TV to insignificance if it doesn’t compete at extraordinary levels of competence. Sadly, there is about as much chance of attaining such a desired mature platform here as seeing a transgender toilet installed in the City Centre.
Radio Bahrain was a tower in its heyday (not a towwer), until that fell down one day – and loved to death with an air of freedom and wellbeing and fabulous for tourism. But wannabe amateurs and wholly incompetents, flying the National Flag, given gauche positions in authority reigned. Naturally intimidated by the few sitting competent they gradually committed a sort of genocide, cleaning out any potential threats. It is now an oblivious embarrassment so just close it down if you can’t provide the goods.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
The local Agencies in the area are probably the only ones who criticize me and have an unhealthy dislike of me, because they see themselves in the criticism I highlight and can’t take the hit, so in retaliation dish out plenty on me. Fortunately, the general public who happen across my vitriol invariably agree with me.
There is no such thing as ‘constructive criticism’ in media in this part of the world. The closest you will get to it is perhaps religious concerns whereby a billboard shows a half naked lady (man ok) whereby some will obviously make the point that this ‘will’, (not ‘could’) offend people. Rightly so and any Agency trying to sell their product with sex in this part of the world will surely run the gauntlet of the reverse of their intension happening. A total boycott maybe. But having said that, a little bit of sex goes well, if there is some very subtle ambiguity attached. I don’t really mean like the new Etihad TV campaign - ‘She likes it full on’ – whereby they give the run down of how their passengers ‘Like it’ in the ‘mile high club’. Sounds very Hogan to me. That is effective, but rather blatant and over the top of heads here anyway, as it doesn’t translate well into Arabic.
Here, artistic criticism comes in the form of ‘NO, DO IT LIKE THIS’, emanating from minds and mouths of
RECESSIONARY BUSY WITH MEDIA -OCTRITY
It really does seem to be bad for many in the arts right now. I would like to say ‘creative media’, but I must have missed any that might have been lurking about in the last few years. Locally it is as dire as ever and in the Gulf, if not government owned radio, it would all be in deep deep dollops of it now. Outside of America the story is pretty much the same, yet ridiculous, childish, arrogantly incapable and naive cliques are running the radios with heavily formatted, massively boring output just the same and nobody but nobody can tell them different. Hollywood is still the first and last bastion of everything clever and the plethora of mediocrity out there in the form of TV satellite channels leech onto anything going. What the hell would they do without it?
Across the Middle East (where I am), there are loads of channels all doing what I don’t know, but the larger Showtime and Orbit, must be so proud to boast that they produce absolutely nothing of value Read more
RADIO GA GA – DUBAI -PART 1
The name Geg Hopkins was pretty much the be all and end all of radio and production across the Gulf in 80s and even through until now really, although the aspects of the industry have changed considerably. I came in just after Graham Carter Dimmock, he of Episode Six the forerunners to Gillan, Deep Purple and on. Graham was Eagle Studios and was and probably still is quite brilliant and had an excellent radio voice, but left the area in the early 80s. Not only technically, but direction wise, Graham Dimmock knew exactly what he was doing and a hard act to follow. Everything he did sounded FAT and I still have the old 16 channel mixer he used out in my back shed. Wanna buy it? So that was a sort of benchmark in the area for a while. Read more
FUJEIRA MEDIA & FORMER VIRGIN HOPEFUL
July 2007 – Pro Audio Magazine
Virgin Atlantic obtaining rights to fly in and out of Dubai and Sir Richard himself making the all important personal appearance, immediately prompted a flurry of interest in anything else Virgin. In the case of the newly established Fujeirah Media with their license to open two FM stations out of the Emirate, it was more an egg before the chicken affair and ostensibly the idea of Mango Media Chairman Mekki Mahmoud Abdulla. By now a credible radio consultant, Abdulla was summoned and infrastructure started appearing with ideas on how to brand the English station. An approach was made to Virgin Radio UK, but this was the wrong camp as Abdulla found out and promptly set off in the other direction out to Singapore and Virgin Radio International. Abdulla has a real story to tell as far as Gulf radio is concerned having been instrumental in the establishment of many stations throughout the UAE and now owns Mango FM in Sudan. Born in Sudan to a Sudanese father and a British Mother, Abdulla now ‘sort of’ hails from Carnforth in Lancaster where he studied mass communications at Lancaster University. He even speaks with a Lancaster accent, mixed up with some Arabic overtones. Dividing his time between Dubai, Sudan and the UK, Abdulla quips: ‘I don’t know where I am from anymore.’ His primary desire was a job in media, but bizarrely started out selling exotic fruits in England way back at the turn of the decade in 1990, when he heard a radio spot advertising for salesmen. In 1992 he joined ‘The Bay’ FM and got the bug, explaining: ‘I had a great Managing Director by the name of Julian Allitt, a man with a vision about radio and he spent a lot of money on training me using American trainers and he was very serious about his business.’ Taking the position of Sales Director, Abdulla started to think about where he could start a radio station other than the UK, which compared to the Middle East was so much more expensive. Having done some sales work with Abu Dhabi Television prior to his move to UK, Abdulla knew the UAE well and was discerning about the advances taking place in the Emirate. Squeezing not only his time, but also his credit card limit, Abdulla traveled back and forth from the UK to Dubai every weekend, sniffing out opportunity without much initial success.
One tedious venture that led to great disappointment Read more