OLD MAN’S RANT – BAHRAIN THIS MONTH – SEPTEMBER 2016
There is nothing more inaccurate than the notion that ‘English is the international language’. It is NOT English, it is a concoction of ‘pidgin’ droppings and bad grammar which is fine and dandy in conversation or buying something in a shop but it should be kept well away from influential broadcast/media, schools or nannies for that matter. Why is gold so precious? Well, it takes a large population of millions to produce just one artistic genius or any vocation for that matter, but when there is no perceived qualification required for the intangible arts or product, then standards disintegrate to dust eventually. Advertising (an art) and broadcasting (an art) in all its forms in Bahrain and across the region so often produces hideous embarrassment. “FEELING STATION NOW OPEN” – sounds like an interesting place. Sing song news readers and old but gold; ‘A navy jet crashed in the North Sea this afternoon but the pilot ejaculated to safety’, well lucky him. We have presenters, spieling nonsensical garbage and zero content respectively about the time and frequency aimed at 5 year-olds. Welcome to Bahrain. It wasn’t like this 25 years ago.
Sadly, awareness is near zero too. Huge banners on every lamppost proclaiming; ‘NEWER AIRCRAFTS”, shop signs with “WELCOM ENGLISH SPORKEN HERE” – “KNOW BARKING ON BAYMUNT” and newspaper classifieds; “SOFA AND BED SHIT FOR SELLING”. Familiar? We even have ‘MILF TAILORING’? Now the mind boggles. It is not just Bahrain;BUT WE SHOULD BE RISING ABOVE THIS with so much more pride. That is difficult when a huge chunk of the population are expatriates many of which can’t write their own language let alone speak a modicum of Arabic or English.
There is not a mother tongue English speaker who understands what ‘brosted’ means, but whatever it is they do it to chickens. The British or American DO NOT ‘avail’ themselves of anything except in a massage parlour perhaps- and please don’t call us ‘pumpkins’ with your endless pishy, same script radio commercials. This bastardized English is all over the world, on every street and in all households now, with the Indian accent the most dominant. How quick was that? It was just a short decade ago, that only the dexterous Dutch spoke English fluently enough for commerce, without the aid of American movies. The British were so grateful especially if they just shouted louder to be understood in foreign countries. The rest of world were still singing Frère Jacques and struggling with ‘Dick and Dora’. Fortunately, most Bahrainis speak an amount of English and the Arabic flavor compared to some country accents is quite pleasing to hear ‘in conversation’, especially soft-spoken female.
At great risk of shattering the egos and delusions of some of the nicest guys one could meet – having this heavy accented farrago broadcast-pumped into one’s ears by the likes of the BBC or our own local radio and TV, generally and tediously tires one out as quaint as it sometimes sounds. The ‘IFOLD TOWWER’ and ‘ION FISHER’ sort of have a ring to them. The appalling IVR systems (Interactive Voice Response) are just atrocious, but nobody cares or perceives it as bad and culprits innocently can’t hear themselves. Conversely, a foreign presenter speaking broken Arabic has more chance of Stealing Mozart’s Yamaha synthesizer from the back seat of his Lamborghini in a shopping mall, than being accepted to broadcast on an Arabic channel. So why torture the English?
We now have Radio Bahrain amateurishly advertising on its own airwaves for DJs and presenters, knowing full well they mean only Bahraini need apply. This will not improve quality, professionalism or bring the art to any perceived standard ‘to aspire to’ whatsoever. In fact, having to advertise for talent on your own airwaves, is totally unheard of and unethical anywhere else and really does depict the level of absent professionalism.
All major countries have ‘professional’ English channels with native language speakers anchoring. It is all for international ‘POLITICAL CREDIBILITY’, not just because a few expats are resident. If there is to be an English language station, then hire proficient, professional, “talented” English speakers (of any nationality) and stop all the inept jingoism.
Bottom line; slick professionalism and boodles of content are what’s needed to create something to aspire to, not more mumbo jumbo, which so few listen to, especially with the might of the Internet crushing radio and TV to insignificance if it doesn’t compete at extraordinary levels of competence. Sadly, there is about as much chance of attaining such a desired mature platform here as seeing a transgender toilet installed in the City Centre.
Radio Bahrain was a tower in its heyday (not a towwer), until that fell down one day – and loved to death with an air of freedom and wellbeing and fabulous for tourism. But wannabe amateurs and wholly incompetents, flying the National Flag, given gauche positions in authority reigned. Naturally intimidated by the few sitting competent they gradually committed a sort of genocide, cleaning out any potential threats. It is now an oblivious embarrassment so just close it down if you can’t provide the goods.
SAUDI A GO-GO – UNVEILED
I posted here some time back that Saudi was issuing 4 FM frequencies on a ‘Private basis. Well, you can read about it now.
It takes little imagination to understand the politics (or more like maneuvering) behind this, but the number of folk who asked me how I knew about this and completely dismissed it as my fantasy somewhat belittles my existence. Personally, I think it is the most positive move I have encountered in this area and hopefully will start some sort of avalanche throughout the region. I am not going to say how I knew, but enough to tell you that I know one very savvy guy involved.
Of course, it has yet to be seen just how professional the stations will be – or should we say -‘perceived as professional’. I am not sure on this front, because I do know that it could take us by surprise. Like Radio Bahrain’s new offering, nobody expects the likes of the BBC standards because it is just not in the make up of the area. No, not the BBC, not XFM, not KISS, not Virgin (bless them) not anything like you might hear elsewhere. The answer will be; ‘In keeping with the culture and rigid religious framework – what YOU perceive as professional in the West is not what WE perceive here’. That is just clichéd rapport and a ‘believed’ excuse Read more
RADIO SHAMBLES
(First posted – 2010 - no longer current, but it is still accurate because history has um…er… repeated itself – Oh, and some have died )
NEWS-NEWS-NEWS!
I don’t know what makes me think of the legendary King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, when I think of the radio authority in Bahrain and the distribution – or not - of frequencies on this friendly – ‘Ich bin eine Bahraini’ island.
‘Must be the non reality of the legend, the ‘Once upon a time’ , the fantasy of it all, I really don’t know. Whoever can pull "Excrementbur" from the stone, gets to rule for a while; then heroically defends and protects from infidels; then goes out and conquers all around as far afield as Never Neverland. Not without the help of trusty Knight Sir Lebalot though and faithful Queen Notalot. Many battles are glorious and victoriously won without contest, except the very last battle in which they are eventually slain and miraculously buried in a non existent grave in an Abbey which millions visit every year to pay homage. And we all live happily ever after. NOT!
As if history repeating itself….. no… history does repeat itself, a new realm of so-called experts pop up and source their cadre from reputed hair dressing salons across the Island and never beyond – and it all starts again – going absolutely nowhere.
STOP! Before I get on my soap. So what else has been happening up on Cedar Hill? Well apart from our Lebanese friends continuing to ""sell dreams"" to the Gulf Arabs, someone convinced someone higher up to open up an new frequency. They didn’t give it to me, despite my continuous lobbying for 400 years.
(To understand this rant if you are from far off places like – er.. Greenland, then you have to read all that goes before – and probably watch a few Youtube videos of Bahraini Parliamentarians complaining about the hiring of a Lebanese barber and friends to run the Radio and Television Corporation.)
FORBIDDEN FRUITS
Still no new ‘independent’ radio yet, although promised no more than 2,592 times. No wait! 2,593 times. Hell, there is not ‘new radio’ at all, but there is a filling of frequency which perhaps should be advertised with the picture of a farmer standing next to a new, fancy dung spreader. Bless! I suspect, although I don’t really know who thought of it, but it might of been an idea, nay the only idea from a good man, a very nice man who cannot be mentioned here, who meant good. Sadly though, ultra deluded, put his faith in a void. I don’t know how much Sir Lebalot had to do with it, but it will never succeed with the present management. Of course, on-line alternatives abound beyond reality, subsidized in most cases by their FM parent, so while we wait for our own bouquet of chancers we can all enjoy the new pastime of………. guessing which half of the world’s web sites have been banned. The ‘UK Lottery’ is one, but it comes and goes.
Since Bahrain really hit the headlines for all the wrong reasons in 2011, web site access has improved as much as it has become restricted. At least now, if one Googles Bahrain, there is plenty to read. Whether many noticed at the time, the holier than thou ‘Bahrain Fair’ got whacked, but by the time you complain or explain, the Fair has long gone. Maybe someone on the hill thought they might be selling those Chinese gossamer film hymen kits that squirt a little red dye as she screams ‘OH GOD"!!! Of course, shhh! We know why. There must be a tab that reads; "ABOUT BAHRAIN" and contained within is an innocent description of the lovely people of this sand dune and their leanings. Great for Tourism isn’t it? A corporation, a tour company or whatever, so proudly puts up a web site and a tab; ‘about Bahrain’ and you click on it and there is no content. I have actually seen this on some Government sites and always wondered why it contains um! er! ‘nothing’. That in itself leaves stacks of material for the comedians.
Where was I? Oh yeah! ‘Debbie Does Duraz’ (A village in Bahrain) type highly educational sites are classified just the same way, so without tricks, you ‘aint gonna get off on it. Even ‘Google Translate’ gets whacked at times, so you cannot look up words like ‘imbecile’, to find a suitable description for the bigots who insist of this pointless exercise. I don’t believe it, I KNOW IT… You make something mysterious and more want to know. Besides, banning something is a very very good way to recruit followers.
ONE MAN SACK RACE
It is often so hard to fathom or even believe the perceived solutions some of these vacant administrators come up with. Orbit Satellite channel is now Showtime and the Showtime Network is now Orbit and branded under the stunningly creative name ‘OSN’ (Orbit Showtime Network) . I bet nobody can guess what that means. Creative genius! (At least the unbelievably named ‘MTC’ [Mobile Telephone Company] eventually filled their lobotomy hole and came up with ‘Zain’, which predominantly means ‘good’ in Arabic). How OSN managed to persuade those on the hill to sweep and kill millions and millions of IP addresses in order to ban just one or two used by three or four naughty boys who give out ‘Dreambox’ codes is dubiously dodgy to say the least. I don’t care what the weirdest of nerd or nun says in its defense; IT SLOWS DOWN OUR INTERNET to a stand still at times – let alone block zillions of legitimate sites. All because of a bunch of privileged opportunists losing a few dollars of their billions. If OSN gave back to the community, produced quality ‘original’ local material or even financed or nurtured the art in any miniscule way, I and millions of others might have a grain of sympathy. Seemingly dominated by Lebanese operators with Saudi money, I am pretty sure we can find a few hypocritical ethics slithering around the surface. I loathe the BBC, which has been nicknamed the ‘Bombay Broadcasting Corporation’, but there is no denying it has consistently contributed to the creative arts; probably second only to Murdoch’s Fox Network.
YOU SHOW ME YOURS’ AND I’LL SHOW YOU MINE
Funny enough, I heard a good line today from my good Bahraini in-the-know friend and confidant while talking about the Lebanese onslaught. He too, said that they (Lebanese) are somehow brilliant at selling dreams to the Arabs, but then you wake up; outside your house – naked.
Ostensibly showing some action on the hill among what must be a growing lobby of complaints, one of the old frequencies which used to carry news feeds is being turned into a pop ‘Youth station’ (launch February 15th, 2010). So do we have Sir Lebalot and brethren against brethren, because for sure they have more than a couple of hands in it , but are fronting it as Bahraini. That is the story today, but how someone can set up a real radio station with ”””new””’ DJ’s (from where) and get everything organized in 2 weeks is pretty spectacular. Oh but then, Bahrain is bursting at the seams with creative ultra professional talent, or deluded, so we are led to believe. But that is what is happening and they are selling radio advertising space already. By the way, if you are over nine and half years old, you will be banned from listening.
‘Al Shabab’ FM (Youth in Arabic) was designed primarily to counteract ‘Group Plus’ who are the current monopoly running the monopoly, legally destroying an entire industry, rendering all competition and fair trading totally extinct. Oh don’t worry, if Al Shabab lasts (I cannot see it myself), as new administrations come, it will surely get swallowed by Group Plus or their mentor as incompetence and palms prevail. Why again I have such thoughts I really cannot fathom, but the quaint old English phrase ‘Honour among thieves’ comes to mind, but obviously takes on a new twist here, Besides, when this heinous contract is up in 2012, it will be renewed without objections being considered, or even heard and our cedars will NOT leave that on off the new contract.
Krazy Kevin is not only on the English 95.6, I have heard him on the Hindi channel as well. Could he be doing a filler on Youth too? I wonder, is David Bloomer (he who was snatched in a dingy type yacht thing and sent to entertain the troops in Iran recently) looking for a spinning spot back? With his new found notoriety and his challenging music choice this could be a scoop for the new channel. They will have to contract him and pay him handsomely as all famous stars enjoy – and he is ‘famous now’ – he’s been mentioned outside of Bahrain. So Dave, settle for nothing less than a 3 year contract and a total package of Four Million Lebanese Pounds (if they ask).
To the current regime this represents CHANGE!!!!!!!!! There has to be change. It is like the old tasteless wartime concentration camp jokes. "Today is underwear changing day! (Loud cheer). Block 13 will change underwear with block 14"
Alas, this new station will emulate Radio Sawah it seems, except perhaps the heavier and no doubt more prolific M.Fkr content?
It is going nowhere folks!
BAHRAIN’S PARLIAMENT ASKED TO APPROVE INDEPENDENT FM CHANNELS
Seriously though……… This is a back peddle and probably a very good thing regarding this BOLD move to open up the analogue channels if there really are any to be had that is. Plus it might make who gets what a bit more balanced. Did I just say that with a straight face?
I thought I might have to pad the post out quite a bit with my usual blarney because I could give you the heads up in two sets of three words and a question mark, separated by a hyphen; ‘Not happening yet – or is it?’ However, there is a little bit more to it than that, but I cannot reveal everything I am involved with, because it is all a bit Catch 22 and would certainly jeopardize certain plans.
Now let’s get down to the guts of this wonderful news. From ‘never going to happen’ to suddenly happening, the big question on most lips is; ‘How did this happen?’ Suffice to say I have a sneaky suspicion that the Crown Prince Sheik Salman had an awful lot to do with it ‘directly’. Many think I instigated it because I’m ultra passionate about the profession and the standards within, plus the trade knows well my quality. YEAH!!! And the Maronites loath me. You aint too popular with me either my brothers. As if by some miracle of expatriate influence I did have a little meddle then you will never know about it, because I would never betray the trust. Besides, Sheik Salman is respected by most and highly thought of and he is a radio man, so if anyone can push this through, it would only be him, but it might not quite be for the reasons some perhaps think. To elaborate more, fair trading, just fairness and openness has more to do with it than a desire to just have radio stations for the sake of it. I love the guy, he really is a Gent.
However, fair trading is the last thing on most excited opportunist’s mind and new rumours are flying every day and some with such conviction by people who have absolutely no idea whatsoever about radio and its true workings. These sudden connoisseurs were selling fish before or cutting hair but have somehow suddenly gotten close, mixing up with the clan ostensibly running the show now and we all know who thinks they are. Thus these dudes talk like they have a hot red phone right to the heart of the authority on this and confidently spout that there will be no English or Arabic channels allowed only other languages such as another Hindi channel and so on. They smirk with such a knowing ‘you aint got it pal’ look as they claim only 6 frequencies are available and each one has a price tag to the authorities of around US$ 633,000 a year for the privilege. HALLELUJAH! Six stations trying to generate that in a town that has absolutely no radio culture at all these days would definitely be divine intervention. If any of this is true and I have no idea, then good luck to whoever. Having to pay that much out each month should really be so crippling in a sophisticated market with excellent content being pumped out to a well established radio spending culture. That is not here I’m afraid and for the current level of professionalism, thirty second spots are going as cheap as $9 a pop.
At the end of play, Bahrainis and Arabs in general are in charge of their own destiny and never take too kindly to expatriates telling them what they should do anyway and even you are a hired consultants are mostly for show.
With FM analogue radio a dead duck for anyone younger than 60 and local telecom companies still looking at me with a cocky but totally blank ‘know it all’ ignorance as I present my bewildering plans to the board explaining that they alone hold the no-holes-barred future which no government or religious body can ‘legally’ really do anything about. It is hard to maintain a cool ‘forgive these prima donnas for they know not what they (are) do(ing)’ approach which greets me. But alas analogue FM is currently the big buzz in Bahrain because to the seemingly many other wanna beez, the sole criteria is that FM is still the only thing you can receive in your car. A terrible psychological hang-over from monopolistic government controlled, one station, red tape existence we’ve all endured since forever. As in the States and Europe, wouldn’t it be great to be able to get in the motor and cruise the entire length of this country while listening to a massive choice of crisp, clean, wide stereo content, something that would take you an entire 20 … ugh minutes in Bahrain, but hey, the thought counts.
In fact, unbeknown to er… EVERYONE in Bahrain, satellite radio is alive but not very well. World Space have a horizontal plane broadcast pumping out around 14 gigs from the top of one of the tallest towers in Manama. but to who? I do know a few wealthy beings with satellite radios in their cars (dual digital FM as well) and they tell me that they can receive nothing. ‘Um! Did you subscribe?’ ‘Ah! No, what is that and who to?’ Regardless, it is all the same as I have been going on and on about. Non-stop-music of one sort or another and good luck to them. You can get that off the Internet from 50 million sources these days free. Even more at home, ORBIT has had Virgin and so many other genres of non-stop-music streaming down for years and years now. I spoke to the big boys at Orbit just after they launched, thinking that the smart dudes would pick up on the magic facilities they actually have and if they wanted to market it properly. You won’t believe the answer I got from their decision maker; ‘Nah, we are a TV company, not radio”. Right over their heads and still is. Wrong people in the right jobs. I never saw the bloke again and assume he was moved as they shifted the marketing manager after that, he of a million hands and apparent skills, none of which I noticed. What TV company are they? They produce nothing, only the promos for their re-broadcast bought in programmes. Back to World Space and its contribution here, well I don’t get it, as I don’t get much of the perception these multitude of know-it-alls have. It is all flashing gold in the eyes, which is why they do it, missing the art of the art all together. Again, these opportunists think non-stop music is content.
Now the woodwork has opened and I am happy to say, nay delighted, that much to my surprise, those than can move, shift and finance are calling me. I feel a bit like a very poor Rupert Murdoch at the moment, but by hook or by crook, I am going to make something of this for all our sakes. Of course, I can really only speak for what is going on in my camp, but for sure there are many, frightfully deluded and none capable, convinced they are the chosen ones and ready to get their friends and cousins behind a mic pumping out what they perceive as the dog’s bits.
Bahrain has years to go before it can muster and sustain such a prolific advertising culture. I am sure there are many hopefuls but unless you have big Al Jazira budget and professional content, plus huge coverage like the very privileged MBC, you’ll all be broke in months as most will base their output and standards on that which exists because it has been the status quo and standard for so long. Sadly, at present, few understand or perceive the difference so will emulate in deep, blind belief that ‘they’, these self appointed gurus are on the ball but all they achieve is spread the dung thicker; worse still pontificate that it is; ‘what the people want’. WAIT!! There is much more coming.
For now, I must wait. Oh and yes, I do get emails, comments and a few slags (verbal that is) regarding the slow progress of my web site content, especially over the FM issue and recently a barrage from a one David Ryan of ‘RYAN BUSINESS SOLUTIONS’, who called for assistance with his ‘scouting’ activities. More on this man later, a good man at that and one that nobody can fail to love dearly for all his quirks and he’s got the award. David is worker in his ways and a huge supporter of FM radio and me, despite his seemingly humorous and vile rhetoric about me. Mr. Ryan is an aviation man like myself as well and hopefully will get us nice views at the upcoming Bahrain Air show. Was that a hint? What? Who? Where!
NEW FM STATIONS IN BAHRAIN
I need to post about this and hopefully will before the story is too old and soggy.
Sorry oglers, (new word) I have a zillion posts in the making, some finished, some need proofing, but for the last two months we have been around the clock here installing a new Cisco system for one of our major associates. No chance to even fart really.
Coincidence or otherwise, I made a lot of noise about unfair competition and extremely bad business practice in the media sector here in Bahrain. Low and behold a few days later, it is announced that ‘selected Media Companies’ will be issued FM licenses in the coming weeks. (Time of writing: It should be the end of this month – quoting Bahrain’s Gulf Daily News).
Just who these Media companies are and how they were suddenly chosen is a mystery and exactly where the non-interfering FM frequencies are going to come from is even more intriguing. Everywhere else gone digital or satellite, but in Bahrain we open up the analogue.
Street talk is that Read more